More Random Hellsing Tales
by Agent HUNK
Summary: Another collection of bizarre ficlets and minifics. Character interviews, Debates, what it scenarios, and of course the usual outragously funny stories. Expect some major OOCness in some parts. Reviews would be appreciated, even if they are flames.
1. Interview: Alucard

MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! God bless!

So here we are with my newest little advent in fan fiction writing. What is it exactly? I really have no idea... It is a random collection of this and that. Character interviews, fan mail, ficlets, all jumbled together for one thing.

Disclaimer time, folks. I DO NOT OWN THE LEGAL RIGHTS TO HELLSING, CROSSFIRE, RESIDENT EVIL, MONTY PYTHON, BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA, VAN HELSING, OR ANYTHING ELSE I MAY MAKE REFERENCES TO, DIRECT OR INDIRECT. THESE ARE ALL PROPERTY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE COPYRIGHT HOLDERS AND/OR CREATORS.

In other words, I do not own the legal rights to anything. That should keep the lawyers off my back...

This story is going to be majorly OOC. If you don't like it, then stop reading. If you feel like flaming, go ahead. I will not flame back.

And now, without further delay, I give you the first chapter of the story!

* * *

"Personification..." the man behind the desk leaned back in his chair and marked something on the clipboard in his hand. "Check!" He was wearing a black uniform, with a bullet proof vest strapped over his chest, and a gas mask adorning his face. Behind the red lenses of the mask's goggles, his eyes twinkled with excitement. 

"Setting..." he looked around himself. "Check!" He was sitting behind a small wodden desk in a swivelling chair. To his left was a red sofa, to his right was a blue door. The walls around him where plain white, and the carpet was a shade of red. Across the room from him was a large camera. He looked at his watch and chuckled. "Excellent... I'm right on schedual."

He adjusted his posture in the chair, and then he turned to face the camera. "Ladies and gentlemen reading this story... Yes, the fourth wall is no problem... My name is Agent HUNK. I will be your fan fiction writer for the evening. I would like to welcome my first guest in this little tale... ALUCARD NOSFORATU!" he clapped his hands together. There was a flash of light, and Alucard, the gun wielding No Life King himself, appeared on the sofa next to him.

"What is going on here?" he looked around.

"You're in my story," Agent HUNK replied.

"Who are you? And why are you in that rediculous costume?" Alucard pointed at the man behind the desk.

"My name is Agent HUNK. But you can just call me "H" for short. I am a fan fiction writer. I am dressed like my namesake..." he answered her calmly.

"Oh great, another of these stupid little story things..." he grumbled.

"Not too fond of them, are you?" H cocked his head to the side.

Alucard frowned. "No."

"Why?" H leaned back in his chair.

"Becuase I often end up being horridly out of character, subjected to the affection of Mary Sues, or placed in some bizarre situation," Alucard explained.

"Like this?" H chuckled.

"Yes. Now why exactly am I here? I have important things to do," Alucard crossed his arms and leaned back into the sofa.

"Wow you're impatient... Alright, alright..." H shook his head. "What is your name?"

"Beg pardon?" the vampire raised an eyebrow.

"What is your name?" H repeated.

He looked at H like he was crazy. "Alucard Nosforatu."

"What is your quest?" H asked.

"To do whatever my Master orders me to do," Alucard replied. "And to kill as many things as possible..." he added under his breath.

"What..." H started to ask, "Is your favorite color?"

"Red," Alucard flashed a toothy grin. "The color of blood!"

"Ooookaaaaay, that ISN'T creepy..." H flipped through the pages on his clipboard.

"Any more questions?" Alucard adjusted his hat.

"Yes... Do you deny the fact that you are head over heels in love with the human known as Integra Hellsing, to whom you are an eternal servant and follower?" H didn't move a muscle as he waited for a reply.

Alucard didn't say a word. He didn't move a muscle.He just stared at him for a few moments of awkward silent. He then reached into his coat and pulled out his Jackel pistol.

"Woah woah woah!" H jumped back and waved his hands. "You don't want to do that!"

Alucard flicked the safety off. "Why not?"

"If you kill me, the story ends, and you'll be stuck in nonexistance forever!" H tried to talk her out of shooting him. The vampire stared at him silently. He didn't know if he was being honest, or if he was just trying to save his skin. With a shrug, he put the gun back in his coat. "Phew..." H sighed.

"I'm losing patience with you," Alucard growled.

"Tell me, Mr. Nosforatu," H flipped through the pages of his clipboard. "How long have you been in the service of Secret Service Hellsing?"

"120 years, give or take a decade," Alucard smiled.

"How long have you been undead?" H asked.

"A lot longer than you have been," Alucard smirked.

"Have you ever been to Walachia?" H cocked his head to the side.

Alucard stared at him silently. "Pass..."

"Hmph. I thought so..." beneath his mask, he was smiling. "How long have you been in service of Integra Hellsing?"

"10 years," Alucard replied.

"How did you meet?" H flipped through the pages once more.

"It is a long story that involves trust, betrayel, and vast amounts of blood," Alucard leered wickedly.

'That sounds like an advertisement for a soap opera or something...' H thought to himself. "Hmph. Why is that not a suprise?" he chuckled. He then flipped back through the pages of his clipboard.

Alucard growled. "That is getting annoying. I am about to shove that thing down your throat."

"Next question..." H ignored the threats, "Why did you convert Seras Victoria into being a vampire?"

"Hm..." Alucard considered his answer. "I'm not sure."

"You aren't sure?" H cocked his head to the side once again.

"Was it out of pity? Lust? Boredom? I am not sure..." Alucard shrugged.

"No fair, he pretty much quoted the OVA..." H muttered under his breath.

"Why do you ask?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"It seems out of character for the No Life King to give a random pathetic human who mattered little to you a chance at immortality..." H shrugged.

Alucard popped his neck out of boredom. "Do you have any more questions?"

"Why do you call Walter the Angel of Death? Kind of funny for an abomination to use Biblical references..." H leaned back in his chair.

"Hmph. Funny? I don't see the humor in it... And my reasons are my own," Alucard smiled.

"Ooooh, gonna be all mysterious about it, huh?" H folded his hands together and placed his elbows on the table. Bracing his head with his hands, he went on to ask the next question. "What about the Wild Geese?"

"They get the job done," Alucard replied. "I'm not too fond of them though..."

"What about that Cap'n Bernadette? He seems to get along quite well with Seras..." H seemed to be hinting at something. Alucard didn't seem to care about it, though. After a few seconds of strained silence, H coughed. "Ahem... Right... Well... Is Anderson a worthy enemy?" H inquired.

"Oho! Finally an interesting subject..." Alucard's eyes flashed with excitement. "Yes, yes! He is the only enemy I have actualy had fun fighting!"

"Really? Why is that?" H silently took out a small notepad and began to write down notes.

"He actually puts up a good fight. And he is hard to kill... Few times do my fights actually lost long enough for me to get any real joy out of it," Alucard explained.

"Uh huh..." H nodded his head.

"I haven't had a good enemy like him since-" Alucard paused.

"Sinnnnnce?" H leaned forward.

"None of your business," Alucard sneered.

"Abraham Van Hellsing?" H stared at the vampire sitting beside him. Alucard stayed silent, the corner of his mouth twitching slightly. Then, without warning, he reached into his coat. With an angry roar, Alucard leveled the Jackel with H's forehead. "OH CRAP!" he ducked just as Alucard pulled the trigger. The back of H's chair exploded into a cloud of dust, feathers, and bits of charred leather. "NEXT!!!!" he clapped his hands together desperately. Before he could fire another shot, Alucard dissappeared. "Phew..." H sighed. "Aw man..." he surveyed the damage to his chair. "This was my favorite chair... Oh well!" he clapped his hands together, and in a flash of light the chair was fixed. "That takes care of that... Now who is next?" he surveyed his clipboard. "Hmmmmm..."

* * *

Reviews, suggestions, advice, flames... Any of it would be greatly appreciated. Next chapter will either be another interview or a story about Anderson's driving skills. 


	2. Road Rage

Sorry, I was out of town without internet for a few days. Otherwise, I would have written something new. Anyway, I'm glad to see people are enjoying the story. I've got so many great ideas, and for those who are wondering:

YES, every major character in Hellsing will have an interview. Integra, Seras, Walter, Anderson, et cetra. While this follows the manga, good ol' Incognito will show up eventually. That should be an interesting chapter...

Thanks for reading this story, and I hope you enjoy the rest of it!

* * *

Anderson laughed maniacly as he hurled his foe across the room. Alucard was on the losing end of this fight, and he was enjoying it. As Alucard attempted to get up off the ground, Anderson planted his right foot firmly on his back and pinned him to the ground. He twirled his swords in his hands, then smirked. "Any last words?" he asked his foe before he delivered the death blow. Alucard looked up at his enemy, and smiled. He replied- 

"ANDERSON, WAKE UP!" Maxwell's voice roared in his ears.

-----

Anderson opened his eyes and looked around. He was behind his desk at the Section 13 HQ, with his chair leaned back and his feet propped up on the desk. Apparently he had dozed off. Maxwell was standing beside him, and he appeared to be rather stressed out. "Eh... What can I do fer ye, boss?" Anderson smiled meekly.

"You can get up and get ready for our little trip," Maxwell replied in an agitated tone.

"Trip?" Anderson put his feet on the floor and stood up. He stretched out his arms and popped his neck. Sleeping in an uncomfortable chair was not good for your joints, but being a regenerator that was no serious problem. "Wha' trip?"

"I need to go to a meeting. Everyone else is busy, so I need you to come with me," Maxwell was hurridly putting on a jacket and hat.

"Okay boss, let me get my-" Anderson reached for his bayonet-ladden jacket, but Maxwell interupted him.

"Leave it, you won't need it! We need to hurry!" Maxwell grabbed him by the hand and started to drag him away.

"Okay, boss..." he replied, sneakily plucking a bayonet from the coat's pocket and slidding it into his priest robes.

-----

"Get in," Maxwell pointed at the limo as they entered the garage. Anderson nodded his head and walked over to the passenger side. "What are you doing?" Maxwell raised an eyebrow. Anderson shot him a funny look. "I need you to drive!"

"Errr... Boss, I can't," Anderson shrugged.

"Beg pardon?" Maxwell croaked.

"I don't have a license," he informed his boss.

"What?!" Maxwell roared.

"Why do you think I always ride trains?" the priest smiled.

Maxwell slapped his hand over his eyes. "You've got to be joking..." he growled. "Okay!" he threw his hands up in the air. "Do you know how to drive?"

"Oh yes, boss!" Anderson answered. "Quite well! I just don't have a-"

"It doesn't matter! I don't need to be late!" Maxwell threw open the doors to the limo and dove inside.

"Okaaaaay..." Anderson sighed. "Yer funeral..."

-----

"So where are we going?" Anderson asked as he adjusted the rear-view mirror.

"I have a meeting with the Pope," Maxwell replied as he buckled his seat belt in the back seat.

"Oooooh..." Anderson appeared to be quite nervous. "The Pope?"

"Yes, His Holyness himself. DON'T blow this for me," Maxwell pointed threateningly at him.

"Yes, boss," Anderson nodded his head. He looked down at the GPS system in the dashboard. Thankfully, it had directions on how to get to their destination. Perhaps this would work out fine. As Anderson cranked up the engine, he smiled. There was no reason to worry. Those past experiences had just been bizarre accidents. It wasn't really his fault...

-----

"How much longer?" Maxwell glanced nervously at his watch.

"Just a few more blocks, sir," Anderson replied. They'd been driving for several minutes now, and so far there had been no problems. And it gave Anderson a chance to enjoy the sights. He rarely had time to look around the city, and now he was able to-

Anderson's eyes caught sight of something quite amiss. Standing on the street corner up ahead was a man in black. He was wearing all sorts of strange clothing and was quite pale. (A/N: He's a goth... Don't blame me if you are one yourself. I just figured this would be a funny situation...)

"ABOMINATION!!!!" Anderson screamed. He slammed his foot down on the gas pedal, shifted the limo into it's highest gear, and laughed as the car tore through traffic.

"HUH!? WHAT?!" Maxwell looked around wildly. "WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!"

**_THUNK-THUNK! THUNK-THUNK!_**

Maxwell turned horribly pale.

"Got him!" Anderson smirked. "Bloody monsters..."

Maxwell looked behind him. Some poor black-clad man was sprawled out in the street. "AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Maxwell screamed. "WHAT DID YOU DO?!"

"I ran over a vampyre..." Anderson shrugged. "I figured it would be stupid to pass up on a good chance to-"

"IT WAS A GOTHIC PUNK!" Maxwell roared in anger. "YOU RAN OVER A BLOODY HUMAN!"

"Honest mistake," Anderson shrugged.

"Ugh!" Maxwell sighed. He clasped his head between his hands and shook it. "J-Just don't do it again!" he stammered.

"No problem, boss. Just a few more blocks, and then we-" Anderson fell silent.

"What?" Maxwell leaned forward. Walking on the sidewalk up ahead was a man with another punk guy. This one had a purple mohawk and waaaaay too much jewelry for a guy. "Anderson, no! He's a human! Not a-"

"HERETIC!!!!!" Anderson floored it.

"WHAT?!" Maxwell screamed. The guy turned around just as the limo jumped the curb and sped along the sidewalk. Sure enough, the guy had an upside down cross hanging around his neck.

**_THUMP-THUNK!_**

The limo plowed into the guy, sending him onto the hood, off the glass, and over the roof. Anderson swerved back onto the road. "Got him..."

-----

"Ah, good evening Your Holyness," Maxwell bowed as the Pope stepped into the car. Anderson politely held the door open for the leader of the Catholic Church.

"Good evening to you as well, Father Maxwell," the Pope smiled. Anderson closed the door and headed back to his door. A few minutes later, they were driving down the street without a problem. The Pope and Maxwell were discussing certain matters, and Anderson had gotten control over his "road rage" problems. It only took 7 other hit-and-run accidents to do it...

"I assure you, Father Anderson is my best operative," Maxwell informed the Pope. "He is intelligent, level-headed, and has good self control."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than had Anderson screamed out "DAEMON!!!!!"

**_SKEERRRRRRRRRRK-THUMP-KRASH!!!!_**

Maxwell and the Pope screamed as a young woman crashed through the windshield of the limo.

"WHAT THE BLOODY-" Maxwell caught himself before swearing in front of the Pope. "WHAT ON EARTH HAPPENED?!"

"She's a vampire," Anderson pointed at the lifeless corpse stuck in the passenger side of the windshield. "I saw here trying to bite some poor lad."

"ANDERSON, YOU FOOL! SHE WAS PROBABLY JUST MAKING OUT WITH SOME-" Maxwell stopped yelling at Anderson and began to scream incoherantly when the woman sprang to life. She clawed visciously into the backseat, her red eyes glowing with malicious intent. "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT KILL KILL KILL!!!!!!!!"

"RAAAAHHHH!!!!" she hissed as she clawed at the Pope, who leaned back to avoid the monster's claws.

**_SHLUNK!_**

The vampire screamed as Anderson stabbed her in the back with the bayonet he snuck with him. She exploded into a cloud of dust and ash. Maxwell continued to scream, of course. "Er... it's dead, boss," Anderson picked the bayonet up off the passenger seat.

"Ehhhhh..." Maxwell nervously looked over at the Pope.

"Well, I can see why he is your best operative," the Pope dusted his sleeves off. "It takes a highly skilled person to be able to pick out an abomination on the street, corner it, and then cleanse the world of it's darkness. You shall recieve much recognition for this, Father Anderson."

"Thank ye," Anderson bowed his head. Without a sound, Maxwell fell limply back into his seat as he feinted.

* * *

THE END!

How did you like it? Too bizarre? I thought it was pretty funny...

Next time will be another interview, and after that either another interview or a chapter about the Vampire Physiologist!


	3. Interview: Integra

Happy New Year! It is 2007, and we're all another year closer to Doomsday! Sorry, had to find something stupid to say...

Anyway, I hope you all had a great Christmas and a good New Year.

* * *

H was sitting behind his desk, his head stuck in a book. After a few minutes, he looked over the brim of the book and stared at the camera. "Oh... Right... Is it time for another chapter already? Alright..." he opened a drawer and put the book inside it. "I suppose I'll do another interview," he mused as he removed his little notepad from the drawer. "Who will it be today... I've got it. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Integra Hellsing!" H clapped his hands together. 

Integra Hellsing appeared on the couch next to H's desk, a look of confusion on here face. "Oh no, Alucard was right..."

"Hello, and welcome to the story!" H greeted her.

"This is another sorry excuse for a fan fiction isn't it?" Integra pointed an accusatory finger at H.

"Ouch! Hey now, I haven't said anything rude to you yet!" H retorted.

"I can already tell you that this is going to be a fiasco!" Integra frowned.

"Sheesh, you're not nice!" H exclaimed.

"I hate being dragged into these things..." she explained. "I'm not fond of bad writer's either."

"Bad writers?" H sounded hurt. "What gives you the impression that I am a bad writer?"

"You're hiding behind a mask," Integra pointed at his gas mask.

"Maybe I'm just butt ugly," H replied sarcastically.

"And Alucard said-" Integra was interupted before she could finish that sentence.

"Say that again slowly. _Alucard said_ what? Since when does anything he say have validity or actual purpose?" H leaned back in his chair and sighed.

"Errr..." Integra considered what H said for a moment.

"Right, well, moving on..." H waved his hands in the air. "I'm going to ask you some questions, you will hopefully answer them, and then you can go home."

Integra raised an eyebrow and surveyed him for a second. "That is all?"

"Yep," H replied. "Just don't try to kill me. Alucard did, so we had to cut our interview short. Anyway, lets get on with the questions..." he flipped through the pages of his notebook.

"Go ahead..." Integra sighed.

"What is your name?" H asked.

"Integra Hellsing," she replied.

"What is your quest?" he asked.

"To destroy all vampires in the name of God, Queen, and Country," Integra stated proudly.

H paused. "What is..."

"My favorite color?" Integra smiled. "I have seen this movie."

"The capitol of Assyria?" H had hoped to catch her off guard, but Integra just laughed.

"Ninevah," she answered. H stared at her silently, suprised that she had answered the question right. "What do I win?"

"Absolutely nothing," he shrugged. "I'll give you a box of donuts later, though..."

"I suppose that is alright..." Integra replied. "Next questions?"

"How long have you been in charge of Hellsing?" H asked.

"10 years," Integra answered.

"And you have known Alucard for 10 years as well?" H flipped through the notebook.

"Yes..." Integra had a feeling this was about to go in a direction she didn't want.

"Do you have any feelings for Alucard?" H scribbled something down.

"Excuse me?" Integra raised an eyebrow.

"What? Do you have any feelings for him? You know, like..." H thought for a second. "Is it only Master and Servant feelings, or does it go much deeper than that?"

"You're bloody mad!" Integra was obviously not interested in answering the question.

"Sorry, sorry..." H tried to calm her down. "I didn't realize it was a touchy subject," he chuckled.

"Excuse me?!" Integra was getting mad.

"Haha... On to the next question... Um... Don't take this the wrong way..." H warned her. "Why do you wear a suit?"

"I dunno," Integra smiled. "But it suits me perfectly."

"Oho!" H exclaimed. "Nice one!"

"Thank you," she looked at the notebook H was holding. "What do you have in there?"

"Questions," he replied. "Questions for each person I am going to interview."

"Hm..." Integra didn't really care. "Any more questions?"

"Why do you smoke so much?" H asked.

"I live with 2 vampires, a death-dealing butler, and an army of mercenaries," she replied smuggly. "Wouldn't you need a stress reliever?"

"I suppose so," H shrugged. "Do you love your job?"

"Yes," Integra answered.

"Do you love God?"

"Yes."

"Do you love England?"

"Yes."

"Do you love Alucard?"

"WHAT?!"

"Sorry, had to try it!" H laughed.

"You are getting on my nerves..." Integra growled.

"Am I that much worse than Alucard?" H asked.

"No, not really..." she commented.

"Now for a doozy of a question," H flipped vigorously through his notebook. "Integra Hellsing..."

"Yes?" Integra arched her brow.

"What on earth was up with you and Seras during the dinner scene?" H cocked his head to the side and waited for an answer.

"Beg pardon?" Integra's eyebrow went even higher.

"You know, the whole 'Oops, I cut my finger!' scenario. What was going on there?" H was smirking beneath his mask. He was determined to mess with her head.

"Uh..." Integra blushed. "I don't know what you're talking about."

H stared at her silently. He then snapped his fingers, and a copy of the 4th volume of the Hellsing manga appeared in his hands. "Gimme a sec..." he flipped through the pages quickly. "Aha!" he handed the open book to her. "Where you of sane mind during this situation?"

"What the heck is this?" Integra stared at the book.

"You putting in Seras in an awkward position, from the looks of it..." H shrugged.

"No, I mean what is this book? Why is it about my organization!?" she flipped through it quickly.

"Um..." H thought for a second. "Are you sure it is about your organization?"

"The name of the book is 'Hellsing'!" she held it in front of his face.

"Um... NEXT!" he grabbed the book out of her hands and snapped his fingers. In a flash of light, she was gone. "Well, that was fun... Who's next?"

* * *

Next time... Seras Victoria gets interviewed. 


	4. Interview: Seras

Yes, I know. Integra is not a "smiley" person. I knew there would be problems with her, but hey, I do what I can. Anyway, here's the next chapter.

And I still don't own Hellsing, Resident Evil, or anything else for that matter. I own no copyrights. End of story.

* * *

"Well, that interview was a fiasco!" H let out an exhasperated sigh as he spun around in his chair. After a few more spins, he slowed down and stopped to let his vision clear. "Wooooo, and that was a bad idea..." He suddenly noticed the camera was trained on him yet again. "Dang, don't you people knock or anything? Hahah, I'm just joking!" H chuckled. He went through his desk until he came across his notebook. "Hmmmm... Our next guest is... Seras Victoria!" 

A clap of hands and flash of light later, Seras Victoria was sitting on the couch next to H's desk. "Huh?!" she looked around. "Oh no!"

"Don't tell me... Alucard and Integra told you about me?" H propped his elbows on the desk and held his head in his hands.

"Yeah..." Seras was visibly nervous. She slowly inched further down the couch to get away from the author.

"What did they tell you? You're acting like I'm a mon... uh... maniac," H didn't want to offend the Draculina. Even without her gun, she could still kill him easily.

"They said you are a madman and that you know things you shouldn't..." Seras had run out of room on the couch.

"What, you mean the Van Helsing thing? It is obvious that Alucard is Dracula," H shrugged.

Seras stared at H blankly. "Huh?"

H didn't move a muscle nor say a word. After a few seconds of awkward silence, he spoke up. "Okkkaaaaaay, I guess it _isn't_ that obvious." Seras continued to stare at him blankly.

"Are you psychic or something?" Seras asked him.

"If by something you mean psycho..." he muttered. "Nah, I'm just kidding. Relax, I won't bite. Eh..." H noticed Seras frown. "My apologies..."

"Master said you ask a lot of questions," Seras continued to frown.

"Nothing serious, just a few simple ones..." H explained. "Are you ready to begin?"

"Did that count as a question?" Seras asked.

"No," H replied. "What is your name?"

"Seras Victoria. And before you ask, the answers are: To destroy all vampires in the name of God, Queen, and Country, as well as to serve Master and Sir Hellsing with undying loyalty, blue, and Ninevah. And before you ask the question about swallows, African or European?" Once finished, Seras flashed a triumphant grin.

H sat there staring at her, unable to formulate an answer. "Uhhhh... Well..."

"And Sir Hellsing says you still owe her donuts," she added.

"Donuts, right..." H nodded his head. "Um... Back to the questions. Why does Alucard call you Police Girl?"

"Because he's a jerk," she snapped. "Other then that, I dunno..."

"Perhaps it is because you are yet to be a true Nosforatu, ergo he refuses to use your true name?" H explained.

After another awkward silence, they both shook their heads. "Nah..." they stated in unison.

"Next question..." H returned to the topic at hand. "What do you thin about Alucard?"

After feigning concentration, Seras replied, "He's a jerk."

"Yes, that is true..." H nodded his head. "Integra?"

"What about her?" Seras replied.

"Is she a good boss?" H asked.

"I suppose so," Seras answered. "Why wouldn't she be?"

H shrugged. "I dunno, you work for her! Anyway... How 'bout Walter?"

"He's nice. Quite friendly. The whole "Angel of Death" thing kinda scares me..." Seras explained.

"Understandable..." H scribbled something down in his notebook. "Now, tell me what you think about Captain Bernadette?"

Seras frowned. "He's an ignorant, perverse fool who would kill his own family to make a buck."

"You love him don't you?" H casually asked.

"Huh?!" Seras was caught off guard by that question. "What are you talking about?!"

"Oh, I dunno... Just a hunch that you weren't saying everything you wanted to say..." H shrugged.

"Are you psychic?" Seras asked again.

"No," H laughed. "In fact that was a wild guess, but it seems I was right!"

Seras blushed at her own stupidity. "Ehhhh... Why do you care, anyway?"

"Oh, I dunno..." H replied. "I'm interviewing him later, though. So I may see how he feels about a vampire having a crush on him."

"You wouldn't dare!" Seras gasped.

H removed a tape recorder from his belt. "Wouldn't I?"

"You bloody-" Seras snarled and lept at him.

"OH SNAP!" H yelled as he was tackled to the floor. The author and the vampire wrestled around for several minutes behind the desk, before Seras finally emerged victorious.

"Haha!" she raised her trophy into the air. Then, without much effort, she crushed the tape recorder into dust.

"That wasn't very nice..." H moaned from behind the desk. He stood up shakily, his bullet proof vest covered in claw marks and the left lense of his goggles cracked. "Not nice at all..."

"Oh shut up," Seras growled. "You were going to blackmail me!"

"You tried to kill me!" H shouted.

"I barely scratched you!" Seras barked. H pointed at the deep gouges in his body armor. "That's barely for me, at least..."

"Note to self, stop messing with vampires," H grumbled.

"That is a bit obvious," Seras smirked.

"Much like Alucard being Dracula?" H retorted. Seras didn't say a word. "Yeah... Anyway, back to asking questions... What do you think of Anderson?"

Seras stared at him blankly. "ARE YOU MAD?!" she screamed. "HE TRIED TO KILL ME! REPEATEDLY!"

"Yes, well..." H muttered. "Moving on. What about that Schrodinger guy?"

"Who?" Seras raised an eyebrow.

"You know, the German dude you shared the awkward greeting with," H shrugged.

"I would have killed him if Master hadn't beaten me to it..." she shrugged.

"Hm... Well, I can't think of anything else to ask at the moment," he stated. "So I suppose you can go now. Oh," H snapped his fingers, and a box of donuts appeared on his desk. "Give these to Integra," he handed them to Seras.

"Um... bye?" Seras waved.

"See ya!" H clapped his hands together, and she was gone. "Wow, that could have actually gone a whole lot worse... I need a new job. Perhaps... Vampire Physiology?"

* * *

Next chapter: The doctor is in...


	5. Vampire Physiologist pt 1

I seriously need to start being more specific when I say things... Sorry, but Dok will not be showing up for quite a while. Neither will most of the Millenium group. Although, the Captain and Rip may show up before their interviews.

If you haven't noticed by now, I'm interviewing characters in order of appearance in the manga. I'll toss Incognito in somewhere...

Thanks for all the reviews I have been recieving! I'm glad you all like this story!

* * *

H hummed happily to himself as he finished arranging the room. He had redone his interview room, and in place of a desk and sofa he now had several chairs, a smaller desk, and an examination table. Several medical instruments, such as EKG's (the beeep, beeep, beeeep, things...) and defibulators (CLEAR!), were also in the room. And hanging on the wall nearest to him was his pride and joy: A license to practise vampire physiology. 

"Phew. Glad I've gotten everything taken care of..." he sighed. His gas mask and body armor had been repaired, and he had a lab coat thrown over his normal outfit. Apparently, the bizarre nature of his interviews had caused him to seek a new line of work. But he was still intent on pleasing the audience. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he turned to face the camera, which was still set up in the corner of the room, "Welcome back to the show! Today, I am going to examine a vampire and explain their physiology to the folks at home! Now I just need a sub-" H was interupted by the door swinging open. "-ject..."

"Are you the vampire physiologist?" a cold and ruthless voice asked.

"Yes, I am. What can I do for you, sir?" H asked his newest play-thing.

"I need you to take a look at something..." Into the room strode the Alucard, the great No Life King himself. And jutting from the left side of his chest was a large wooden stake.

"Ouch!" H jumped slightly at the sight of the injury.

"Can you take care of it?" Alucard asked impatiently.

"Um..." H mumbled. "Well, you see, I'm a vampire physiologst."

"I know," Alucard responded. "So treat me."

"No, you don't understand," H tried to explain.

"No, YOU don't understand!" Alucard grabbed the poor guy by the throat and lifted him off the ground. "You're the doctor, I am the patient! What is there to not understand?"

"Urk!" H tried to pry Alucard's hand loose, but to no avail. "Okay, okay!" he croaked, "I'll remove the stake!"

"Good," Alucard let go of H, who dropped to the floor gasping for breath, "Let's get this over with..." The vampire walked over to the examination table and sat down on it. After removing his hat and coat, he laid back on the table and prepared for H to treak him. "What is the hold up?"

H hurried over to the table. "Nothing, nothing..." he tried to relax the nosforatu, "Just relax."

"You seem familiar..." Alucard hissed.

"Why whatever would give you that impression?" H nervously replied. 'I hope he left the guns in his coat...' he thought to himself. Alucard shook his head and closed his eyes. "Now then, lets see what the problem is," H laced his fingers together and popped his knuckles. "Ah yes... The subject appears to have a large wooden stake impaled through his chest." He then turned to face the camera. "Vampires are easy killed via impalation through the heart. Decapitation also works quite well in some legends..."

"Who are you talking to?" Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"No one..." H replied. "Perhaps you should go to sleep? This may be quite painful."

"Hmph..." Alucard sneered. "Pain is nothing to me."

"We shall see..." H muttered under his breath. "The subject appears to has suffered a massive amount of bloodloss. However, vampires do not seem to be easily killed via loss of blood. It does weaken them substantially, of course."

"That is getting very annoying," Alucard hissed.

"Shut up and let me treat you," H barked. Alucard blinked a few times, dumbfounded by the "doctor's" attitude. "Despite the stake puncturing the left ventricle of the heart, the subject is still in existance. Clearly, he is beyond such means of extermination."

"You have no idea who I am, do you?" Alucard was beginning to regret coming to this psycho.

"5... 4... 3... 2..." H started to count down.

"Why are you-" Alucard leaned his head up slightly to see what was going on. As he did so, H grabbed the wooden stake with both hands and yanked on it as hard as he could. Alucard let out a sharp yelp of pain as the impliment of death was torn from his upper torso. "YEOUCH!"

"I told you it would hurt..." H casually remarked. He whistled as he looked over the stake. "Quite a doozy, my friend... How, may I ask, did you end up with this in you? Get on Vlad's bad side?" Alucard scowled at H. "And now to make sure nothing else is wrong..."

"But I only came in to have the stake removed," Alucard wanted out as soon as possible. He started to sit up and get off the table.

"Nonsense!" H pushed him back down. "Why run the risk of missing other major health hazzards?" H pulled a pop-sickle stick from his coat pocket. "Say aaaaaah..."

"I don't want to-" Alucard was unable to finish the sentence due to having a small wooden object thrust down his throat. "Aaah!"

"Good!" H exclaimed. "Subject's fangs are sharp and pointy, as they should be. Vampires use their fangs to puncture the skin of their prey's neck, usually on or near the site of the Jugular Vein. This vein is the largest in the human body, and once it springs a leak you only have a small amount of time to live. Vampires will then drink the blood as it sprays out of the puncture marks, due to the immense blood pressure it holds."

"You're making me hungry..." Alucard mumbled once H stopped examining his teeth.

"We'll be done in a second, I just have to check your eyes," H informed him. Without proper warning, H flicked on a flashlight and shone it in Alucard's face. Alucard hissed slightly. "Sorry, it's a bit bright..." H looked at the Midian's eyes. "Hmmm... Red eyes, quite prominent in True Nosforatu. However, newly turned vampires who have yet to drink human blood-"

"Like Police Girl," Alucard interupted.

"Hush! As I was saying, newly turned vampires who have yet to drink human blood and become true nosforatu, as well as artificial vampires, tend to retain their natural eye color, at least under normal circumstances," H continued to explain to the audience at home. "Some vampires also have cat-like pupils, but our subject appears to have the normal round ones... Of course, some vampires can change the shape of their pupils, much like cats."

"Are we done here?" Alucard finally lost his patience. He reached for his hat and coat, put them back on, and then hopped off the table.

"Yes, I suppose so," H nodded his head.

"Good!" Without warning, Alucard reached into his coat and withdrew both his guns. "SAY YOUR PRAYERS!"

"AAAAHHH!!!!" H screamed as he dove for cover.

"YOU THOUGHT I FORGOT WHO YOU WERE, DIDN'T YOU?!" Alucard roared.

"THAT'S ALL WE HAVE TIME FOR TODAY, FOLKS!" H screamed at the camera as he ran towards the door. "BYE!"

"COME BACK HERE!" Alucard yelled as he chased the poor author out the door, guns blazing. "STAND STILL AND DIE LIKE A MAN!"

* * *

Poor H. He can't seem to catch a break. Sorry to all the people who were expecting Dok, but don't worry, he will show up eventually. Next chapter: Walter gets interviewed! Review, please! 


	6. Challenge!

Before I write the next chapter, I need to post this first.

I have accepted a challenge offered by jj otaku. They have asked for somebody to write one of these "10 sentences" thingies. It took me awhile, but I have it figured out now. I hope.

If you want to post a challenge and/or request, go to the Hellsing forums on this site, go to the "Midian" forum, and find the "Challenges and Requests" thread. Somebody will most likely accept whatever you post.

Lets see how bad I screw this up...

* * *

Alucard and Integra

**Item one: DESK**

Alucard's plan of popping his head up through Integra's desk ended in several expended shell casings.

**Item two: BLOOD**

"If you ever suggest I want to drink your blood again," Integra growled at Alucard, "I will make sure you don't drink any for a week!"

**Item three: FISH**

"When I said I wanted a pet, I was talking about a fish!" a young Integra stared dumbfounded at the canine beast known as Alucard.

**Item four: JOKE**

"IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE?!" Integra screamed at Alucard as he cackled maniacly.

**Item five: LANGUAGE**

"Why couldn't you write something that made sense in English?" Integra rolled her eyes as she read the writting on Alucard's coffin.

**Item six: LOONY BIN**

"I wonder if the loony bin is as crazy as this place?" Integra slumped her head down on her desk as she listened to Alucard and Seras argue.

**Item seven: LAUGHTER**

"Never. Do. That. Again." Integra hissed as the echoes of Alucard's laughter died away.

**Item eight: EVIL**

"I'm not evil," Alucard smirked at Integra, "I am just the physical embodiement of the words _dark, cruel, insane, wicked_, and _style_."

**Item nine: ENTERTAINMENT**

"Alucard needs a new form of entertainment..." Integra groaned as she listened to the soldier's downstairs shriek in terror.

**Item ten:** **SUPERCALIFRAGILISTICEXPIALIDOCIOUS**

"Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious," Integra had, for once, said something Alucard did not have a witty response to.

* * *

Phew! I'm done! That was a LOT harder than I thought! Seriously! Hah... Well, I hope you liked it jj otaku. I'll see if I can write more for the other pairings you listed in the next chapter.

The next chapter will be an interview. Most likely Walter...


	7. Interview: Walter

Time for another interview! I'm going to shoot for the impossible and attempt to write _three_ chapters today. Will I succeed? Highly unlikely... But I will write at least 2 unless something bizarre happens to me. Which is quite often, actually...

* * *

H's office was back to its normal self. The desk, the sofa, and the camera were back in their normal places. "Oh, hi there!" H waved at the camera with his left hand. His right arm was in a sling, and he had a neck brace on, which did not look comfortable with the gas mask and helmet he was also wearing. Apparently, Alucard had caught him eventually. "It is time for another interview!" H exclaimed. "Today's guest..." he picked up the notebook on his desk, "Walter C. Dornez! OUCH!" H yelped in pain when he tried to raise his right arm to clap his hands. "Uh..." he tried to think of something. "Well, this isn't good..." After a few seconds, he began to slap his left hand on the top of the desk.

**_Whack! Whack! Whack!_**

After several minutes, the only thing he had accomplished was destroying any intact bone tissue left in his left hand. "Oooowwwww..." H groaned. "Great, now I have a broke arm and a destroyed hand. I can't do the cool teleporty thingy now. I can't even use the phone and ask Walter to come here!" H complained to nobody in particalar. "I need an assistant..."

-----

"So what makes you think you are qualified to work for me?" H politely asked the person seated in front of him. Only an hour since he had jokely suggested it, and already he had several possible workers.

"Simple!" Jan Valentine was seated opposite from H. He jumped to his feet and explained, "I'm skilled in the martial arts of KICKING PEOPLE'S-"

**_CLUNK!_**

A trap door opened in the floor, Jan dissappeared into its dark abyss. "Next..." H grumbled.

-----

"What makes you so qualified to work for me?" H raised an eyebrow at the next person who wanted the job of being his assistant.

"I'm everyvhere and novhere," smirked the cat-hybrid Nazi seated in front of him.

"Schrodinger, right?" H looked at the job application on the desk. He couldn't pick it up with his hands, so he had to move it with a stick tied to the chin of his gas mask. After several awkward attempts to move it closer, H gave up. "Urgh... It says here that you are a Warrant Officer in Millenium?"

"Ja!" Schrodinger nodded his head.

"I'm not fond of Nazis..." H replied coldly, "But you don't seem like too much of a problem. I suppose I can-"

**_Knock knock knock!_**

"Huh?" H looked over at the door. "Somebody is at the door... Would you mind answering that?"

"No problem!" Schrodinger jumped to his feet and walked over to the door. H suddenly realized who might be at the door.

"Wait, Schrodinger, don't open that-" H didn't warn him in time. The moment he opened it, Schrodinger was dragged out the door, and it slammed behind him. H shook his head as he listened to his screams of terror. "Fangirls..." he sighed sadly. "Fangirls..."

-----

"Can you explain to me why you are qualified to work for-" H froze. He realized who was sitting in front of him.

"Boo!" Alucard smirked.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" H screamed as Alucard dove at him.

-----

It had been a horrible day for H. He had killed one possible employee, lost one to rabid fangirls, and the third had tried to kill him. He had almost succeeded, too. H was now laying on the sofa, completely wrapped in a full body cast. Only the red lenses of his goggles were visable through the bandages. "This... sucks..." H grumbled.

The door opened, and H heard footsteps. Unfortunately, he couldn't move enough to see who it was. "Hello? Who's there?" No answer. The footsteps grew closer. "Hello?" The footsteps stopped. H sat there in the silence, his pulse quickening as he waited to see who is was. Was Alucard back to finish the job? Did Jan Valentine want revenge? Did he owe an overdue movie or something?

"Boo!" Walter suddenly leaned his face down in front of H. H screamed. "Sorry, did I actually scare you?"

"Yes," H mumbled meekly. "What can I do for you?"

"I'm here for my interview," Walter replied.

"Not for the job, I hope," H chuckled.

"No, Integra said I should come down here since I was most likely the next person to be interviewed by "the crazy guy in kevlar", as she put it," Walter smiled.

"Oh, well in that case, take a seat over t-" H was interuped by Walter, who placed a piece of paper on his chest. "Eh?"

"Those are my answers to the usual questions you ask," Walter smirked.

"Walter C. Dornez... Blue..." H painfully leaned his head up enough to read it. "Great, you outsmarted me... Want a cookie?"

"I have already had my fill of the donuts you sent with Seras," Walter politely answered, "And Integra thanks you for them."

"No problem..." H shrugged. "Ow!"

"Is that all you need?" Walter raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," H answered, "I'm too hurt to give a good interview... You may leave."

"As you wish," Walter bowed and walked away.

"See ya," H bid him farewell. He listened to the footsteps, the door opening and then closing, and then the silence. "Phew... This day couldn't have gone worse..."

"Are you sure about that?" Alucard's voice leered from behind the sofa.

"Uh oh..." H mumbled.

* * *

I couldn't think of much to ask Walter, and I wanted a chapter about H getting an assistant. So I mixed them together... Next time: I dunno... 


	8. Practise Makes Perfect

3rd chapter of the day. Huh? What do you mean this is only the second? I posted another chapter for my other Hellsing story. Yes, unfair loophole, but it still counts. Haha.

Hm... lets see what I can cook up for this chapter...

* * *

"Police Girl, I have grown tired of watching you flounder at attempting to "master" your vampirism. Thus, I have decided to give you lessons in being a vampire," Alucard smirked at his fledgling, who stared at him incredulously from inside her coffin. 

"You woke me up early... for this?" Seras blinked a few times. "Good night! Er.. morning! Uh... whatever!" Seras grabbed the lid and slammed it back shut.

Alucard stared at the coffen silently. He then lifted his right leg up, placed his foot firmly upon the corner of the lid, and with little effort flipped the coffin over. As it spun, the lid flew open and Seras was hurled to the floor. "This is no time for games, Police Girl!" Alucard roared. "If you ever want to become a true nosforatu, then you will listen to me!" Seething rage burned in his eyes, but Seras still did not feel intent upon learning the finer points of being a monster. "The sooner you learn these things, the sooner I can stop being forced to babysit you!" Seras still did not have any obvious signs of caring. Alucard's eyes narrowed. "The moment you become a True Nosforatu, I will use your real name."

"Lets go!" Seras jumped to her feet.

_I knew that would get her attention..._ Alucard thought to himself.

-----

"First things first," Alucard and Seras were now standing in an empty room on the top floor of the Hellsing manor. "Walk through this wall next to me."

"Say what?" Seras looked at her Master, then at the wall, and then back at him. "Master, I can't-"

"Do it," he growled.

Seras shrugged. "Yes, Master..." Nervously, she walked over to the wall. Slowly, she raised her left hand and placed it against the wall. Nothing happened.

"Go," Alucard nodded.

Nothing happened.

"Um..." Seras said timidly, "I don't know what to do."

_Stake me now..._ Alucard rolled his eyes. "Clear your mind. Relax. Allow your body to be free of the bonds of reality. Let yourself feel nonexistant."

Seras stared at him like he was a madman. "Are you bloody daft?! Feel like I don't exist?"

"Concentrate, relax, and walk through the wall," Alucard pointed at the wall next to him.

"Alright, whatever you say Master..." Seras sighed. She closed her eyes and stretched her arms. Standing silently, she allowed her muscles to relax and her body losen up. "Alright... her goes..."

_This is going to be good..._ Alucard leered as Seras slowly pressed both hands against the wall in front of her.

Slowly, Seras' hands began to melt through the wall in front of her. First her fingers, then her palms, and then her wrists. Once her elbow's were in the wall, she opened her eyes and smiled. "I'm really doing it!"

"Don't get cocky," Alucard placed his hand over his eyes. "And now you have to start over..."

"Huh?" Seras tugged on her arms. They were stuck. "Uh oh..."

_Of all the humans I could have turned... it had to be her..._ Alucard thought to himself.

-----

"Mind reading allows you to read the thoughts of humans. Mind control," Alucard explained, "Allows you to control the minds of humans. Or anyone with a weak mind, actually. It might work on you... Anyway, you will be practising both."

"And how am I supposed to do this?" Seras raised an eyebrow.

Alucard whistled. "Come in."

"Bonjouuuuur," Pip flashed a devinair smirk as he walked through the door.

"I have to use him?!" Seras pointed at Pip. "The French pervert?! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE IS THINKING!" she yelled. "Especially about me..."

"Okay, we'll skip to mind control," Alucard shrugged. "First, concentrate on your subject."

"Zat would be me," Pip smiled.

"Shut up. Then, look your subject directly in the eyes. Do not break eye contact," Alucard pointed at Pip. Seras nodded her head, and turned to face Pip. She stared intently into his eye, and slowly enclosed the space between them. They continued to stare at each other for several minutes.

"Did it work?" Seras whispered.

"Looks like it. Now, state the fact that you wish him to believe, or the action you wish for him to take..." Alucard explained.

"Cluck like a chicken," Seras commanded. "Now what?"

"Make contact with him, and repeat the statement," Alucard nodded his head.

"Cluck like a chicken..." Seras gently placed her finger on the tip of Pip's nose.

"Merde, you're fingers are cold!" Pip jumped backwards. Seras groaned, while Alucard let out an exhasperated sigh.

"Lets move on to something else..." Alucard muttered. Seras nodded her head, and the two vampires left the room.

"Hm..." Pip leaned against the nearest wall and lit up a cigarrette once they left the room. "BRAWK!" Pip blurted out for no reason. He blinked in confusion a few times, shrugged, and went back to his cancer sticks.

-----

An hour and many arguements later, Seras and Alucard were on the roof. "Now, Police Girl, it is time to melt through floors. Similar to walking through walls, but you just let gravity do the work for you," Alucard pointed down.

"Master..." Seras sighed, "I have a bad feeling about this. It is like my instincts are telling me not to do this."

"Police Girl," Alucard flatly said, "You won't drink blood, yet you will think this is a bad idea? You have a wierd way of thinking about your instincts. Now, repeat the process and float through the floor!"

"Alright, alright..." Seras nodded reluctantly. She closed her eyes, allowed her body to relax, and let out a sigh. After several seconds of silence, her feet began to slowly morph through the floor.

"Good, Police Girl," Alucard commented. "Keep going, don't worry, and stay calm."

"Yes, Master," Seras mumbled with a nod. Her body had gone through up to her stomach by now.

"You're keeping a good pace. Excellent!" Alucard smiled. "You've gotten good. I'll meet you downstairs in the Foyer."

"Alright," Seras nodded. A few seconds later, she was gone.

_I don't know if I should be proud she finally did it, or ashamed it took this long..._ Alucard thought as he walked away.

-----

**_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._**

"Just be glad it wasn't Holy Water," Alucard smirked. Seras stared at him with hatred burning in her eyes. Water was dripping from her wet hair, and her clothing soaked with water.

"I fell." Seras hissed. "Into a shower..." Her voice was saturated with anger.

"A shower, you say?" Alucard grinned.

"Yes," Seras nodded. "And Integra was not happy to see me."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!" Alucard cackled upon hearing that bit of information. True, he had sensed the commotion, but it was even funnier hearing it from her embarrassed fledgling's mouth.

"I'm going to my room..." Seras growled as she turned to leave.

"Not in the mood for more lessons?" Alucard asked.

"Only if they involve shooting you in the head repeatedly..." Seras muttered as she headed through the door to go downstairs.

_Actually, regeneration was the next lesson..._ Alucard shrugged.

_I CAN HEAR YOU!_ Seras screamed in his mind.

_I know..._ Alucard smiled.

* * *

I think I might actually write a sequal to this chapter. There are so many possibilities. Regeneration, levitation, and many other powers... 

Next chapter: Interviewing Anderson. Followed by: Vampire Physiology Part 2!

Wow, 10 minutes 'til Midnight! Talk about close!


	9. Interview: Anderson

Darthjag has brought some VERY interesting information to my attention. It will make this interview interesting, to say the least...

Also, if anybody hasn't noticed, H is short for Agent HUNK. Saves time, effort, and it is kinda catchy. Just pointing that out before people start asking "Where's Agent HUNK? Who's H?" Obvious, yes. But I am just making sure.

Lets get this party started...

* * *

Agent HUNK was sitting behind his desk, his feet propped up on the corner of the desk, and a book held in his hands. "Hello, folks," H looked up from his book. "I'm still in one piece, as you can see. Other than the fact that I can't feel my torso, I'm perfectly fine now. So lets get on with our interviews, shall we?" He put the book in the desk's drawer and took out his notebook. "Lets see... Today's guest is... Father Alexander Anderson!" 

**_Clap clap!_**

Two claps and a flash of light later, Father Alexander Anderson was sitting on the sofa next to the desk. "Wassis now?" Anderson looked around in confusion.

"Welcome, welcome! My name is Agent HUNK, and I'm holding a little interview for members of Hellsing and Section XIII," H explained. "Not at the same time!" he added when Anderson began to reach into his jacket.

"What do ye need mae for?" Anderson sneered.

"Um... I just said that I am interviewing you," H flipped through the notebook.

"What if I don't want ye ta intarview mae?" Anderson growled.

"There is a chance Alucard will show up," H replied, which made Anderson smiled. "I seem to have earned his hatred. Something about being such a bad writer I deserve to die..."

"Writer?" Anderson raised an eyebrow. "Ah crap, I'm in a fan fic, ain't Ae?"

"Yeaaaah," H nodded his head, "Why else would I guy in kevlar with a gas mask and helmet be asking you silly questions?"

"Maybe this is a nightmare?" Anderson shrugged.

"Ahem..." H coughed, "Shall we get started now?"

"Ae suppose so..." Anderson groaned.

"Excellent," H told him. "And that you for not stabbing me or something."

"Lets jus' get on wit' it..." Anderson waved his hands.

"What is your name?" H asked.

"Father Alexander Anderson," the priest replied.

"What is your quest?" the author inquired.

"To wipe all foul abominations and daemons from the face of the earth in the name of the Almighty God," Anderson smiled.

"Nice wording," H nodded his head and scribbled something in his notebook. "What..." H paused, "is my favorite color?"

Anderson stared at the author. A smile spread across his face. "Yellow."

H didn't say a word. "How on earth did you guess that?"

"Your goggles are reflecting the answers out of the book," Anderson smirked.

"No fair..." H growled. "But I will let it count..."

"Next question?" Anderson was in a good mood, it seemed.

"How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?" H rattled on.

"A wood chuck could chuck as much wood as a wood chuck could chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood," Anderson grinned.

"Wow..." H didn't expect an answer. "Uhhhh... Why do you use bayonets?"

"They can be used over and over, unlike bullets," Anderson explained.

"Good reason," H nodded. "You have very straight teeth," H pointed out, "Did you need braces?"

"No, I was naturally born with perfect teeth," Anderson smiled widely.

"Why do you ride in trains so much?" H asked.

"I get car sick..." Anderson mumbled.

"How old are you?" H asked. "I heard about 50..."

"Regenerators do not age as quickly as normal people," Anderson responded. (A/N: I made that up. Don't quote me on it.)

"You often quote Bible verses while fighting. Do you memorize them before a battle, or do you know the Word of God by heart?" H asked.

"By heart," Anderson smiled.

"I believe that..." H replied.

"Anything else?" Anderson sighed.

"I'm out of ideas..." H threw the notebook over his shoulder.

"Ae have a question fer ye, now," Anderson grinned.

"Oh?" H cocked his head to the side.

"What religeon are ye?" Anderson asked.

"Christian. Protestant, and proud of it," H stoutly replied.

"Hm..." Anderson frowned slightly, then shrugged. "If that is thae way ye want it tae be...So kin Ae go now?" Anderson stood up and stretched.

"I suppose so," H popped his neck. "This interview went pretty well."

Suddenly, the door to the room slammed open. "VAIT!!!!" a German accented voice yelled out.

"Huh?" H looked over at the door. "What is it Narbe?"

Into the room strolled a soldier in full Nazi Waffen-SS uniform. It was the soldier with the scar on his face, who had been working with Rip Van Winkle, and who had been ripped in half by Alucard. "Is that a Nazi?" Anderson looked over at H in confusion.

"Long story short, he is the only guy who made it through the job interview for being my assistant," H replied. "What is wrong, Narbe?"

"Here," the soldier handed H a small book. "A fan sent it for you. They said it would prove valuable in an interview with Father Anderson."

"Doesn't Narbe mean "scar" in German?" Anderson arched his brow.

"Yes, it does. I have taken to calling him that since he didn't have a name," H sat down in his chair and looked at the book.

"It was either that or Sargeant Cannon Fodder..." the soldier chuckled, but was careful not to show his fangs. "What is the book, boss?"

"It's a manga..." H cocked his head to the side. "The name is 'Angel Dust'..." Upon hearing this, Anderson's eyes widened, and he grew obviously tense. "I love manga..." H chimed as he started flipping through it. "Oh! Father Anderson is in it! Only younger, and with a gun! Cool!" H flipped through a few more pages. "Huh? Is that Seras? Why is she dressed like a nun?"

"Ae think Ae'll be headin' home now..." Anderson began to slowly inch towards the door. H flipped forward in the pages again, then froze. He silently stared at the page for a few seconds, then at Anderson, then at the page, then Anderson, then Narbe, then the page again.

"Anderson..." H addressed the priest, "Would you mind taking a seat, please?"

"Uh..." Anderson thought for a second. "No thank ye!" Instantly, he was surrounded by a cloud of paper, and in the blink of an eye he dissappeared into the whirlwind of Scripture.

"Dang... he got away..." H growled.

"Vat vill we do now, boss?" Narbe asked.

"We shall do..." H picked up a piece of hair off the floor, "A DNA test... Send a message to Seras Victoria," H ordered his assistant. "Tell her she is due for a check-up."

"Yes, sir!" Narbe replied, and then took off out the door.

"I will get to the bottom of this..." H shook his head. He then picked up the book and shook his head again. "And I'd best get rid of this..." H tossed it up in the air and clapped his hands.

**_Poof!_**

The book was gone. "Now, to turn this place back into a doctor's office...

-----

"I cannot believe zey sent me on such a silly errand..." Pip grumbled as he walked out of the cigar shop. "Picking up ze boss's stuff... What a waste of my job..."

**_Zap!_**

"What ze heck?" Pip jumped slightly. A puff of smoke appeared in front of him, and out of it dropped a book. "What is zis?" he picked it up. "What ze heck is "Angel Dust"? Oh, its a manga! I love manga!" Pip smiled as he flipped through it. "Zat guy looks kinda familiar..." He flipped through further. "Iz zat Seras?! Why iz she dressed as a nun?!" Pip flipped through a few more pages, then froze. He looked around to see who was watching, and then he stuffed the book into his jacket. "I love manga..."

* * *

Bizarre... Truely bizarre... 

Next chapter: Vampire Physiology Part 2!

Oh, and yes, Narbe is German for "scar". Only good name I could think of other than Heinrich or some other generic German name...


	10. Vampire Physiology pt 2

Lets see... Finished "The New Recruit", this is doing pretty good... I think I'll start writing Bleach stuff. How badly I shall fail at that is yet to be known... hah hah.

Agh... I wanted to link a picture of Agent HUNK without his mask, but the site won't let me put it in the story. Bummer... you'll see why...

* * *

Once again, Agent HUNK's interview office had been turned into a doctor's office. Only now, it had a few new things in it. One notable item was a shelf with a sign reading "Cool Things" hanging from it. Upon the shelf was a glass jar. Inside of it was a small walnut-like object floating around in fluid. The label on the jar read "Jan Valentine's Brain." H seemed rather proud of possessing that. Speaking of which, H was sitting in the corner, a lab coat draped over his normal outfit and his face obscured by a magazine. 

"Boss," Narbe leaned his head through the doorway. "Ze girl vill be here in a few minutes."

"Excellent!" H lowered the magazine, revealing his face.

"Woah! Where's your mask?" Narbe jumped slightly.

"I took it off..." H shrugged. "Why?"

"You look like zat Anderson guy!" Narbe exclaimed.

"Oh... right..." H shrugged. Sure enough, he had short blonde hair, green eyes, and a beard. Of course, he didn't have a scar or glasses. But the resemblance was still uncanny. It seemed chosing the form of Agent HUNK had come with unexpected advantages. Or disadvantages, depending on the situation. "Long story..."

"Right... vell... lets hope it doesn't get in you in trouble," Narbe shrugged and walked out.

"I'm sure it won't..." H shrugged and went back to his magazine.

-----

**_Knock knock knock._**

"Come on in," H responded from behind his magazine to the knock on his door. The door creaked open, and Seras timidly crept through the doorway.

"I'm here for my check-up," Seras informed him.

"Excellent!" H lowered the magazine and smiled. "I'm-"

"F-f-f-fa-fa-fa-fa..." Seras' eyes widened and she began to stutter.

"Fire?!" H looked around wildly. "Huh? What's wrong?"

"FATHER ANDERSON!" Seras screamed.

"No, no. no!" H jumped to grab her as she turned to run. "I'm not Father Anderson!"

"But you look just like him!" Seras got into a corner and curled into a bowl. She obviously was not fond of the priest.

"I sense some Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome..." H titled his head down and surveyed the poor vampire. She was actually shaking. "I'll work with that later. But for now, relax. I'm not Father Anderson. I'm Doctor... uh... Doctor Hunt."

"Doctor Hunt?" Seras looked up at him. "That sounds familiar... The Hunt part at least..." Despite the visible kevlar armor, she couldn't make the connection between "Doctor Hunt" and "Agent HUNK".

"How 'bout the check-up, eh?" H helped her up off the floor. "Now, I'm doing a bit of a vampire study sort of thing... so if I make wierd comments or something, relax. It is in the name of science," H made sure to stand between her and the camera.

"I'm not sure I-" Seras started to protest, but H interupted her.

"Nonsense! Don't worry..." H led her over to the examination table. "Take a seat and relax."

Seras sat down on the table and sighed. H pulled up a chair. "Say 'aaah' for me, please," H held up a popsickle stick. Seras did so without protest. "Hm... subject's fangs are not as sharp nor as long as normal vampires. This is due in part to her not being a True Nosforatu, and I assume her calm and timid nature."

"I'll take that as a compliment..." Seras commented once he was done checking her mouth.

"Subject's eyes are blue, and normal. Again, in part due to her being a non-True Nosforatu, and her personality," H explained to the audience. "Hold out your arms, please." Seras did so. "Hm... Vampires do not appear to be strong, nor have large muscle mass," H pointed at her arms. "However, looks can be decieving. Vampires can tear through humans like wet tissue paper..."

Seras frowned. "I would never do such a thing..."

"Oh don't worry, I know you wouldn't do that!" H told her. "I hope..." he muttered nervously.

"One interesting thing I would like to point out," H stood up, "Is that female vampire excel in attracting male prey. This is in part due to-" H gestured at Seras' chest, "Their natural anatomy."

**_SMACK!!!!_**

H was floored instantly by the slap he recieved. Seras was standing over him, red-faced from anger and embarrassment. "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"

"GOOD GOSH!" H exclaimed through a bloody nose. "See folks, all she did was slap me and I'm now bleeding profusely! I told you they were stronger than they looked!"

"You... you..." Seras clentched her teeth in anger.

"Sorry? I was just pointing out a scientific fact. And you should have taken that as a compliment, if anything..." H shrugged as he held his bleeding nose. "That hurt... I think you knocked a few teeth loose, too."

"Are you done?" Seras put her hands on her hips and waited for an answer.

"Yes..." H replied. "You can go..."

As Seras walked past H, he sneakily plucked a stray hair from off the top of her head. "What was that?"

"Nothing," H held his hands behind his back and looked side to side in the cliche 'I-did-nothing-wrong' manner.

"Hmmmm..." Seras walked out the door.

"Phew..." H looked at the hair. "And now for the DNA test... And to see a doctor, myself. I'm feeling kinda woozy..." H stumbled slightly.

The door suddenly opened. H looked over, expecting to see Narbe. Unfortunately...

"Seras said you worked with vampires, Mr. Hunt. I need you to take a look at something," Alucard walked in, once again with a stake in his chest. H froze when he saw H, however. "ANDERSON!" Alucard roared and whipped out his pistols.

H meekly stared at Alucard. He looked over at the gas mask on his desk. He could either be "Father Anderson" or Agent HUNK...

Either way he was screwed.

* * *

H and Alucard's fued is always fun to mess with...

Next time: An interview with everyone's favorite pair of female assassins!


	11. Tut mir leid?

Yay! People like my Bleach story! And due to the success of this story, once I'm almost done with it, I will make a Bleach one! Yes, Agent HUNK will be interviewing and torturing the cast of Bleach eventually. But until then, I've got some vampires and Nazis to screw with!

Oh, and check my profile for pictures of Agent HUNK. I finally got them working...

No suprise, I still don't own Hellsing and/or Resident Evil.

One more thing! Heinkel and Yumiko are based off their Crossfire personas in this chapter! I haven't read volume 6, and I like the Crossfire Heikel and Yumiko...

On with the show!

* * *

"Soooo..." H ran his hand through his hair and leaned back in his chair behind his desk. His office was back to interview form, and he was back in his body armor and kevlar. He didn't have his mask or helmet on, though. He liked being able to see things in a color other than red. "What's on the agenda for today?" 

"Vell, boss..." Narbe was sitting on the sofa, his eyes focused on a clipboard in his hands, "Ze rezults are in."

"So is good ol' Al Anderson the father of Seras Victoria?" H leaned forward, intent to know the truth.

"Vellllllll..." Narbe looked up and frowned. "Nein."

"Huh?" H raised an eyebrow. "But... the manga, man! The manga!"

"Well, it says he isn't her father. He IS related though," Narbe informed him.

"How?!" H exclaimed.

"He's her uncle!" Narbe handed H the clipboard.

"What?!" H grabbed it and stared at the papers on the clipboard. "His brother... Father Andrew... her mom... Sarah Victoria... WHAT THE HECK!?"

"Beats me," Narbe shrugged. "I figured he was her father, too."

"That's a bit of a let down..." H tossed the clipboard over his shoulder. "But it is still a bit disturbing. He tried to kill his neice!"

"Talk about a dysfuntional family," Narbe grinned.

"Well, I've got to do an interview, so you'd best go find something to do for awhile..." H waved him off.

"Okay, boss..." Narbe stood up and walked over to the door.

"Oh!" H jumped to his feet. "I know! Pull some strings with Millinium. I want an STG-44 Assault Rifle!" (A/N: The gun Narbe used in Volume 5 against Alucard.)

"Ja, no problem," Narbe told him as he walked out the door.

"Yay!" H clapped his hands in joy.

A sudden flash of light made him jump. Turning around, H found himself staring down the barrel of a large caliber pistol. "Ver are ve?" Heinkel Wolf glared at him over the rims of her sunglasses.

"Heinkel, don't be so rude!" Yumiko Tagaki whined behind her.

"Woah, that wasn't supposed to happen..." H muttered.

Heinkel's eyes widened in shock as it dawned on her that she was holding a gun in "Father Anderson's" face. "TUT MIR LEID!" she gasped, lowering her weapon. "I'm sorry, Father!"

"Huh?" H raised an eyebrow. (A/N: People do that a lot in this story, don't they?)

"Vait..." Heinkel narrowed her eyes, then shoved the gun back into H's face. "You aren't ze Father!"

"Heinkel, no!" Yumiko pleaded. "Don't shoot him!"

"He kidnapped us, and he is impersonating Father Anderson!" Heinkel barked over her shoulder.

"Achtung!" H growled. "Put down the gun, frauline."

Heinkel glared at H. "I'd advise you to stay quiet, heathen."

"Heathen?" H yelped indignantly. "Heathen?!"

"Hm?" Heinkel raised an eyebrow. (A/N: See?)

"I don't care if you threaten my life, shove a gun in my face, insult me personally," H growled angrily, "But don't you DARE insult my religeon!"

"I think you struck a nerve," Yumiko pointed out meekly.

"Er..." Heinkel took a small step back. "Und vat religeon vould you happen to follow?"

"Christianity," H replied with a smile.

"Catholicism?" Heinkel asked.

"No, Protestant. Baptist, to be precise," H smiled. Heinkel stared at him for a few seconds. Then she cocked the hammer of her revolver into the firing postition. "Eh!?"

"Okay, so you're a Heretic instead of a Heathen," Heinkel shrugged. "Zat is worse, actually."

"Heinkel, don't shoot him! He seems nice! He didn't really do anything that bad!" Yumiko pleaded.

"Yeah, what did I do to you?" H asked meekly.

"You kidnapped us!" Heinkel growled.

"That was an accident!" H exclaimed. "You're going to shoot me over an accident? What kind of Christian attitude is that?!"

"You're still a Heretic," Heinkel shrugged.

"Didn't God say "Judge not others, lest ye be judged yourself." in the Bible? I think you should let me live, and allow God to do the judging," H explained calmly. Heinkel stared at him, and slowly lowered her gun. "Thank y-"

**_BLAM!!!_**

H stared at Heinkel, his eyes wide in shock and terror. Yumiko shrieked, and Heinkel blinked dumbly. She held the smoking pistol near her face, and then looked down at the hole in the center of H's chest. "Tut mir leid?"

"Not cool..." H grimaced. He then fell backwards onto the floor limply.

"Heinkel, why did you do that?!" Yumiko yelled.

"My finger slipped!" Heinkel exclaimed.

"You shot the poor guy!" Yumiko pointed at H.

"Vat happened?!" the door flew open, and Narbe ran in. Heinkel and Yumiko stared at the Waffen-SS soldier, and a tense silence followed. Narbe then looked down at H's body and gasped. "Boss!"

"Um..." Heinkel started to creep towards the door. "I'll be going now..."

"Me too..." Yumiko followed her friend's example.

"Vat happened here?!" Narbe yelled.

"It was an accident!" Heinkel yelled as she ran out the door.

"Yeah!" Yumiko did the same.

"Zis isn't good..." Narbe looked down at his dead employer.

H opened his eyes and smirked. "I'm wearing a Kevlar bullet proof vest, remember?"

"You're alive!" Narbe exclaimed.

"To a point..." H frowned. "I think I died a little on the inside."

"Did they hurt your feelings or something?" Narbe asked.

"No, the bullet went through the vest a little," H chuckled. "I think it's stuck in a rib..."

"Zats..." Narbe stared at his boss, "Disturbing... Greatly disturbing..."

"I know, call a Doctor..." H clutched his bleeding chest.

"Don't worry, I know just who to call!" Narbe ran out of the room.

"Great!" H smiled. However, his smile faded quickly. "Wait... uh oh..."

* * *

Talk about a fiasco... Next chapter: The _real_ Doctor is in! 


	12. Bedside Manners

Long case of writer's block is finally wearing off. A friend of mine helped me out with a few ideas, so he'll make a cameo or two later on. Please, do not start asking if you can make cameos. I did that in some of my stories on another site once, and it was a fiasco. Heh...

I'm sure you're all tired of waiting, so on with the show!

* * *

_Am I dead? _H was drifting through nothingness. His body was light, and his mind was at peace. He felt no pain, or anything else for that matter. _I must be dead... _H began to hear a slight murmor in the distance. Several people were talking to each other about something. _Is that God? Or angels?_

"Ja, but vhy did ze Major say ve couldn't eat him?" H picked up on the voice of the woman.

_Nope. Neither..._ H's heart sank.

"Because, he ist a guest," a young man replied. "Und he could kill us vithout a second thought. Or so the Sargeant said when he brought him in... I wouldn't try anything, Zorin."

H's trigger finger gave a slight twitch at the mention of that name. _Oooooh, I wish I could move right now..._

"I think he just moved!" another woman exclaimed.

"Really?! Is he avake?!" another man replied. The sound of several people shuffling around echoed in the darkness that surrounded H.

_I don't think I'm going to like what I see..._ H thought to himself as the darkness faded away.

"Huh?" H opened his eyes. He shook his head and waited for his vision to unblur. The moment it did, he screamed. "WHAT THE CRAP?!"

It seemed that H did not appreciate waking up to four people leaning over his bed and staring at his face. He recognized the people immediately. Rip Van Winkel, Zorin Blitz, Schrodinger, and the Doktor were all staring at him with great interest. "He's avake!" Schrodinger piped up.

"Ve can see zat," Dok hushed him.

"CAN I HELP YOU WITH SOMETHING?!" H sunk his head back down into his pillow in attempt to escape the Nazi vampires.

"No, ve're just looking at ze fool the Sargeant brought it," Zorin smirked. H's trigger finger gave another twitch.

"You had quite an injury!" the Dok exclaimed, holding up an x-ray. "You got shot!"

"No crap, Doctor Frankenstein," H glared at the mad scientist. Dok's face brightened. He must have taken that as a compliment. "Why are you all in here?"

"I already told you, ve're here to look at ze fool," Zorin was seriously asking for a crowbar to the jaw.

"You're not a very nice person," H glared at her.

"Vell, ve are Nazis," Rip shrugged.

"Und vampires!" Schrodinger pointed out.

"You're rather silly excuses for both," H muttered.

"Meh, it can be wery boring being evil all ze time," Schrodinger shrugged sadly.

"Well, now that I'm better," H sat up and crawled out of the bed, "I'll be going now..."

"Um... without pants?" Dok gave him a funny look, which was magnified by his funky glasses.

"Eh?" H looked down and frowned. He was wearing a hospiral robe instead of his normal body armor. "I thought I felt a bit of a draft..." H clapped his hands together, and instantly he was back in his normal clothes, mask, and helmet. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must be going! See ya!" And with that, he darted out the door as fast as he could.

"Auf wiedersien?" Schrodinger waved awkwardly. "Zat was vierd..."

"Vhen ist anything not vierd?" Rip sighed.

"Gut point..." Schrodinger replied with a shrug.

----------------------------------------------

"Boss, you're back!" Narbe jumped off the couch and dropped the book he was reading when H walked back into his office. "I see the Dok fixed you up fine!"

"FINE?! THEY WANTED TO EAT ME!!!" H jumped up and down in frustration.

"Vell, you needed a doctor, und he vas ze only one to call..." Narbe replied.

"Well, I know another doctor we could have used," H walked over to his desk and sat down. With a sigh, he propped his feet up on the desk and stretched out in his chair. "But he's insane..."

"Oh? Und who vould zat be?" Narbe walked over to the door and leaned against the wall beside it.

"An old friend of mine..." H shrugged. "Doctor Insane-O."

"DID SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?!" the door suddenly flew open, smashing over Narbe and crushing him against the wall. Into the room barged a person even more bizarre than H. He was wearing a black suit, red tie, and a doctor's coat. He had short brown hair, and was wearing two monocles. Yes, that's right. Two monocles.

"Dr. Insane-O?!" H fell out of his chair in shock.

"DID SOMEBODY CALL MY NAME?!" the doctor exclaimed again.

"Yes, but why are you here?!" H staggered back to his feet.

"Somebody called my name..." he replied with an innocent smile.

"You're insane, buddy..." H shook his head and laughed. Suddenly he stopped laughing and pointed at the door. "NARBE!!!"

"Who-be?" Dr. Insane-O raised an eyebrow.

"NARBE IS BEHIND THE DOOR!!!" H yelled. Dr. Insane-O slowly pulled the door back from the wall. Narbe stumbled forward, his clothing winkled, his eyes crossed, and his outline imprinted on the wall.

"So long, farevell, auf wiedersein, good byeeeee!" he sang drunkenly before falling to the floor.

"YOU KILLED NARBE!!!" H screamed.

"Nonsense! He's still kickin'! And I'm a doctor, remember?" Dr. Insane-O bragged.

"YOU'RE AN IDIOT WHO CLAIMS TO PRACTISE MEDICINE!!!" H pointed at his psychopathic friend.

"Hey, you're a "vampire physiologist" who keeps making his patients angry. You don't have room to talk! And look, he's still breathing..." Dr. Insane-O pointed at the wounded vampire.

"Hm..." H poked his assistant with his foot. "So he is..."

"Right, well, I've got to be going now! See ya!" Dr. Insane-O walked back out the door and slammed his behind him.

"Vat happened?" Narbe sat up slowly.

"Absolutely nothing of any importance..." H shook his head. "To the plot, at least..."

* * *

I know, that was insane. But I told my friend I'd put him in the story since he helped me out with a lot of ideas for different stories. Next chapter: Pip gets interviewed! Hurray! 


	13. Interview: Pip

Ask not for whom the bell tolls, it tolls for Pip Bernadotte...

* * *

Agent HUNK was sitting at his desk, his feet propped up on the desk and a magazine in his hands. Narbe was sitting on the sofa reading a book. Apparently, both of them had decided to become bums. It was much safer. "I suppose we should do another interview..." H grumbled as he flipped through the magazine. 

"Ja..." Narbe replied stoicly. "Ze fans vill get angry if we take too long again..."

"Who's the victim for today?" H continued to read, not really caring about his "job".

"I think its ze Frenchie... Mr. Bernadotte," Narbe answered him dully. He was more concerned with his book, too.

"Pip?" H put his feet on the floor and stuffed the magazine into his desk. "Cap'n Ponytail? Oh goodie!"

"Hmph, I'm not fond of ze French..." Narbe grumbled.

"Well duh, you're a Nazi vampire," H chuckled. "You'd best go do something else for awhile. Where's that STG-44?"

"I'll get on it," Narbe sighed as he walked out of the room.

"And now to revive the dead!" H smiled once Narbe had left the room. He clapped his hands together, and there was a bright flash of light.

"I'M ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!" Pip was sprawled out on the floor, a look of sheer joy upon his face.

"For now, at least..." H muttered.

"Who are you?" Pip looked up at the guy in the funky clothes.

"The name's Agent HUNK," H waved at the Frenchman on the floor. "I brought you back from the dead to ask a few questions..."

"You're not going to make me dead again, are you?" Pip narrowed his eye at the man behind the desk.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no!" H shook his head. "I wouldn't dream of killing you... again..."

"Where's Seras? Is she alright?" Pip looked around at his surroundings. "Wait, where am I?"

"Don't worry, she's fine. And you're in my office. Room. Place. Thing. Yeah..." H didn't know how to describe it.

"Okay zen..." Pip plopped down on the sofa and stretched his legs. "What did you say about interviewing me?"

"Right, I just need to ask some questions..." H pulled a notebook out of his desk. "Ready?"

"Oui," Pip nodded.

"What is your name, your quest, and the location of the Holy Grail?" H asked.

"Pip Bernadotte, to do whatever I'm paid to do, and how the heck should I know!" Pip shrugged.

"Well, you're French! The French guys own the castle in the movie..." H grumbled. "Why do you wear your hair in a braid?"

"Because it's easier than a loose ponytail," Pip replied with a sly grin.

"Okay, what's with the hat?" H pointed at his Brittanica Cowboy hat.

"It looks cool," Pip smirked.

"Good answer," H scribbled something down. "How did you end up working for Hellsing?"

"I answered ze wrong phone call..." Pip replied sarcastically.

"Oh hah hah hah," H rocked his head side to side, feigning laughter. "What was you're first thought when you were told you'd be killing vampires?"

"Ze boss is looney," Pip smirked.

"And when you saw a vampire?" H asked.

"Merde, zat is one hot monster," Pip flashed a devilish smirk.

"I'm not suprised..." H sighed. "And when you got your butt whooped by said hot monster?"

"Ow, ze hot monster can hit hard..." Pip rubbed his jaw.

"So you gave your life in order to save the hot monster?" H found calling Seras that kinda funny.

"Oui oui..." Pip nodded his head. "And I got a kiss!"

"Hm, you got a kiss for getting shot, stabbed, and then munched on? How... fair..." H wrote down a few notes.

"Hey, in my mind, it was worth it," Pip grinned.

"You're like the Jack Sparrow of anime..." H chuckled.

"Who?" Pip arched his brow.

"Nobody..." H shook his head. "Its kinda funny that you smoke so much, and yet cancer is the last thing you need to... had to... worry about."

"Meh, why worry?" Pip pulled a cigarrette from his jacket. "I'm already dead, anyway..."

"Why do all the cool characters die?" H sighed.

"Hah, you think I'm cool?" Pip laughed.

"Well yeah. You're a chain-smoking, smart-mouthed, cocky, perverted, idiotic, easy-going, gun-wielding, battle-hardened, one-eyed, long-haired, sharply-dressed French mercenary. What isn't cool about that?" H replied.

"Yeah, okay, I'll go with that..." Pip blinked dumbly.

"Well, I guess that covers the interview..." H stuck his notebook back in his desk.

"Am I going back to being dead?" Pip frowned.

"Why would I kill my favorite character... again?" H shrugged. "Just head out that door, and don't mess with the Nazi vampire outside..."

"Um... okay..." Pip didn't want to know much about that last part.

"Benjour!" H waved him goodbye.

"Zat's hello, idiot..." Pip laughed at him as he walked out the door.

"Funny..." H stretched out in his chair. "I had the feeling something bizarre or bad would happen..."

After a few seconds of sitting there, H suddenly jumped to his feet. "MY WALLET IS GONE!!!"

* * *

That was the only twist I could think of... sorry... Next chapter: The Quest for the Stolen Wallet! 

Er... I'm low on ideas. Please give me some suggestions...


	14. H's Bad Day

Sorry for the delay, I've been busy with other things...

* * *

Agent HUNK had been having a really bad day. As he staggered back into his office and sat down on the sofa, all he could do was fall asleep. The moment he closed his eyes, however, he was awoken by a familiar voice. 

"Had a bad day?" Alucard's voice crooned.

Agent HUNK's eyes shot open, but he was too weak to run. "Oh great... What do you want?"

"I just want to have some fun. Get some entertainment. Enjoy my afterlife," Alucard plopped down on H's chair behind the desk, causing it to spin around in it a few times. "Tell me about your bad day. What happened?"

"How'd you know I had a bad day?" H asked weakly.

"Um... well, for one thing I can read minds," Alucard tapped the side of his head. "And also, you're a mess. You're missing the right side of your gas mask, there are bullets stuck in your vest, your left sleeve is gone, and there is a bayonet sticking out of your right leg!"

Agent HUNK looked down at his leg. "Dang," he growled, "I thought I dodged 'em all..."

"So what happened?" Alucard repeated his question.

"Chaos..." H sighed. "It all started when Pip stole my wallet..."

---FLASHBACK---

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" A familiar French-accented scream caused Seras to run to her bedroom door. Throwing it open, she stuck her head out into the hallway.

"Pip?!" she gasped as her beloved and formerly-dead comrade came running straight at her. "You're alive?!"

"Oui oui!" Pip yelled as he ran past her. "Sorry, can't talk right now!"

"Why?!" Seras yelled after him.

"GIMME BACK MY WALLET!!!" Agent HUNK ran past her swinging a crowbar wildly over his head.

"WAIT FOR ME!!!" Narbe ran past her as well, his arms laden with two STG-44s. "I GOT ZE GUN FOR YOU!!!"

"What the?!" Seras rubbed her eyes, unsure of what she'd just seen. "Wasn't that the guy who interviewed me?! And a NAZI!?"

"I'M COMIN' TOO!!!!" somebody else yelled. Seras turned around and saw some crazy guy in a tuxedo, red tie, and doctor's coat with short brown hair and two monocles. Sure enough, it was Dr. Insane-O. "DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!!!"

"Who the heck was that?!" Seras asked herself as the man ran past her. A few seconds later, he came walking back over to her. "Who are you?"

"I'm Dr. Insane-O," he stated in a civilized and high-class manner. Kneeling slightly, he kissed her hand. "Pleased to meet you..."

Seras stared at the guy for a few seconds. "Okaaaaayyyy..." she looked around for the Spirit of the Harkonnen. Surely that fairy would be along any second to tell her this was just some bizarre dream.

"Oof!" somebody tripped down the hall. Several gunshots were heard, followed by a scream. "Sorry, boss!"

"YOU SHOT ME!!!" H's voice screamed.

"I tripped! Tut mir leid!" Narbe apologized. "I'll take the guns back to the office..."

"What are they doing here?" Seras was so confused.

"Meh, they're trying to get back H's wallet," Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "But enough about them..." he flashed a devinair smile and leaned in close to Seras' face, "Lets talk about us..."

------

"So that's how you got shot?" Alucard arched a brow.

"Yep..." H nodded.

"And the bayonet?"

"Well..."

---FLASHBACK---

"Top o' the mornin' to ya..." Alexander Anderson nodded to a nun as she passed him in the hall.

"Good afternoon, Father Anderson," the nun smiled.

"Um, Father Anderson..." somebody tapped him on the shoulder. Anderson turned around and looked down at Heinkel and Yumi. (Not Yumiko.) "There's a problem."

"Oh? Und wassat?" Anderson tilted his head to the side.

"There are three intruders..." Heinkel informed him. "And they are heading this way."

"Ye don't say..." Anderson scratched his chin. "Und where are they?"

"OUT OF ZE WAY!!!!" Anderson was suddenly throw aside by a long-haired and very fast Frenchman.

"Whit was tha'?!" Anderson got back up off the ground. Two more men tried to run past him, but he grabbed them by the head as they ran by and picked them up off the ground. "Who are ye two?"

"Um..." H waved meekly. "Hi there..."

"I'm Dr. Insane-O!" the mad scientist exclaimed happily. He had a large hand-print on the left side of his face. Clearly, he'd gotten a bit too friendly with a certain Draculina.

"Why are ye here?" Anderson let go of H. He kept Dr. Insane-O in the air, though. Apparently, he didn't trust him.

"I'm chasing the guy who stole my wallet..." H shrugged. Suddenly he turned around and pointed at Heinkel and Yumi. "Oh hey, it's the psycho chick that shot me and the really nice nun!"

"Why'd she shoot you?" Dr. Insane-O looked down at her.

"I'm Protestant..." H shrugged.

"Eh?" Yumi suddenly grabbed her sword. "A heretic?!"

"Heretic?" H stared at Yumi. He started to back up slowly. "Um... aren't you the nice nun who tried to stick up for me?"

"No, that was Yumiko..." she started to draw her Katana. "I'm Yumi..."

"Riiiiiiight..." H nodded his head. "I'll be running now..." And with that, he started sprinting.

"Hey dude..." Dr. Insane-O tapped Anderson on the shoulder. "You're like... the Jesus of Knives!" (Actual quote by my friend Dr. Insane-O while discussing Hellsing...)

"Eh?!" Anderson's eyes focused on the scientist with deadly intent. "Did you just insult the Lord?!"

"Why would I do that? I'm a Christian!" Dr. Insane-O replied.

"What kind?" Anderson asked kindly.

"Protestant," Dr. Insane-O chimed happily. Anderson started to growl and glare at him. "Okay, you just got really scary..." Dr. Insane-O whispered nervously.

"ERRAAAAGHHH!!!!" Anderson hurled Dr. Insane-O through the air. He landed on top of H with a loud thud as he was running away.

"Hi, buddy!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed.

"PREPARE TO STAND BEFORE GOD'S JUDGEMENT!!!" Anderson roared as he hurled an unholy amount of bayonets at Dr. Insane-O and H.

"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!" H screamed.

"See ya!" Dr. Insane-O dove out of the way.

"Crap..." H sighed as the knives flew straight at him.

------

"So that's how you got the bayonet in your leg?" Alucard shook his head.

"Yep..." H nodded.

"And the armor?" Alucard pointed at his ruined outfit.

"Crazy pitchfork-wielding Spanish people with freaky parasites in their head..." H shook his head. (Resident Evil 4...)

"Huh?" Alucard was lost on that one. "When did that happen?"

"I got bored chasing Pip and decided to go have some fun..." H shrugged.

"You're an idiot..." Alucard shook his head again.

"So was that entertaining enough?" H asked.

"No..." Alucard flashed a toothy grin as he drew his two pistols from his jacket. "Start running..."

"LOOK, INTEGRA IS MAKING OUT WITH ANDERSON!!!!" H pointed over Alucard's shoulder.

"WHAAAAAT?!" Alucard roared, turning around with the flames of Hades burning in his hate-filled eyes. But nobody was there. Actually, Dr. Insane-O and Narbe were playing poker in the corner, but they didn't seem important to Alucard. "You lied to me..." Alucard growled as he turned back around.

H was gone.

"Oh good, he's a fast one..." Alucard grinned happily as he jumped to his feet. "This will be such fun..."

Once Alucard had left the room, Dr. Insane-O spoke up. "So should we tell H we found his wallet?"

"Nein. He'd cry if we told him it was under his desk the entire time..." Narbe shook his head.

"Go fish," Dr. Insane-O smirked.

"Ve're playing Poker..." Narbe stared at him.

"Oohhhhh..." Dr. Insane-O nodded. "Go fish."

* * *

Next chapter... Interview: Incognito! And after that: Nazi Health Hazards. The Vampire Physiology stories don't even compare to what H is gonna get put through... Heh... Review, please! 


	15. Interview: Incognito

Gutten tag, mein freunds! I've defeated my writer's block at long last. I've still got whatever disease I've contracted. First it was bronchitis, then it was pneumonia, and now its just a mild mix of the two or something. Yeah, that's why I've been gone for a week and a half. I've been pretty much bedridden all day every day for 2 weeks. Fun.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good today. So now that I can think clearly and every inch of my body doesn't hurt, I'm capable of writing again! Huzzah!

Now lets get the funny going, shall we?

* * *

**Interview: Incognito**

"Gutten tag!" Agent HUNK bellowed as he barged back into his office. Wearing his usual outfit, sans gas mask, he had a rather large smile on his face. It faded quickly, of course. "What the?"

His office was a wreck. Narbe was sprawled out on the sofa asleep, and Dr. Insane-O was sleeping in H's chair. Playing cards, pizza boxes, and soda cans littered the room. Needless to say, H wasn't pleased. "Yo... Narbe..." he poked his assistant with a stale pizza crust. "Wake up..."

"Was? Was ist das?" Narbe sleepily blinked his eyes. He then rolled off the sofa and hit the ground with a dull thud. "Ergh!"

"What have you guys been doing while I was sick?" H swept some soda cans off the top of his desk.

"Partying!" Dr. Insane-O sat up for a split-second and then went back to sleep.

"I see. Well, I've got to get back to work," H shrugged.

"Be my guest," Dr. Insane-O staggered to his feet.

"Are you drunk?" H stared at his friend.

"Not. Drunk. Enough..." Dr. Insane-O replied in the most serious manner. An awkward silence followed. "Nah, I'm joking. Lemme get out of your way..." he laughed as he headed for the door. "Oh, we got your wallet back!"

"Ja, here you go," Narbe tossed his boss his missing wallet.

"Sweet! Who had it?" H smiled as he checked to make sure everything was still in it.

"Uh..." Dr. Insane-O shifted his eyes from side to side. "The Jesus of Knives..."

"Anderson? Hm..." H shrugged. "Oh well, I won't question it."

"See ya!" Dr. Insane-O strolled out of the room casually.

"He took the money out of it, didn't he?" H sighed.

"Ja, he did..." Narbe smiled meekly. "Vell, I'll go do some random task while you do your job."

"I won't stop you..." H said as he kicked some trash out of the way. "What a mess..."

Ten minutes later, H had managed to clean up the room rather well. Once everything was back in order, he down in his chair and let out a deep sigh. "Its good to be back... Well, time to get to work." He then turned to face the camera that was, as always, sitting in the corner of the room. "Hello readers! Did you miss me? I bet you did," H smiled brightly. "Yeah right... Anyway, its time for an interview! Today's guest... INCOGNITO!!!" H exclaimed in an Alucard-esque manner. He then smirked and clapped his hands together.

There was a bright flash of light and a puff of smoke. Now sitting on the sofa next to H's desk was the dreaded, fearsome, diabolical, rather pathetic in actuallity, and absolute evil Incognito! He was wearing his usual trench coat and sunglasses, as well as a confused expression on his face. "Where am I?"

"You're on my show! Fic! Thing! Yeah!" H exclaimed happily. Incognito suddenly pulled a grenade launcher out of his jacket and pointed it at H. "Okay, maybe we got off on the wrong foot..."

"You're rather annoying, human..." Incognito's voice seethed with disdain.

"And you're rather odd, compared to most vampires. Anyway, I'm hoping you'll be patient enough to do an interview..." H smirked meekly, hoping Incognito wouldn't paint the walls with his internal organs.

"An interview?" Incognito arched a brow.

"Yes, an interview. You know... I ask questions, you give me answers..." H tried to explain the concept to him.

"I know what an interview is, fool," Incognito hissed. "I suppose you may..."

"I understand you come from the heart of the Dark Continent?" H asked.

"That is correct," Incognito nodded.

"And you use African magic in your weapons," H pulled his clipboard out of his desk.

"Yes, it fires curses instead of bullets," Incognito held up his grenade launcher.

"I see. So how did it feel to get wasted by Alucard?" H smirked.

Incognito growled at him. "Hold your tongue before I tear it out of your mouth."

"Big words for a guy with no gender," H taunted the vampire.

"I will kill you, mortal!" Incognito aimed his grenade launcher threateningly at H.

"Like you killed Alucard and Seras? Oh right, they got right back up!" H laughed in his face.

"You're trying my patience! I can bring the rage of Set against you!" Incognito was seriously getting angry.

"Set? Oh right, the ancient Egyptian god of death whom Alucard smoked. Yeah, my God's better than yours..." H smirked.

"How dare you..." Incognito narrowed his eyes.

"How dare I? How dare I? How dare YOU!!!" H pointed at Incognito.

"How dare I what?" Incognito stared at him curiously.

"Where do I begin? You tried to destroy England, you insulted my religeon several times, you attempted and failed to kill alucard, you tried to rape Integra with your non-existant genitalia, and you're just a sorry excuse for a vampire! So HA!!!" H laughed in his face.

"I've had enough. DIE HUMAN!!!" Incognito raised his grenade launcher to fire, but H was faster. With the clap of his hands, the murderous vampire was gone.

"Wow, that was fun..." H smirked. "I'll have to interview him again some time..."

* * *

Special thanks to Darthjag for giving me advice on Incognito's interview, and to all my other readers and reviews for doing what they do best: Reading and reviewing! If you're happy, I'm happy. 


	16. The Doctor Is In

Woohoo, I'm healed! For the most part... Anyway, I'm back to my usual self, so here's a new chapter. I hope you like it!

Two suggestions are going to be used. Ironically, they are the both the first suggestion and last suggestion I got for this story. Darthjag and Lunatic Pandora should get a kick out of this story...

* * *

**The Doctor Is In**

"Hey boss, guess what?" Narbe stuck his head through the doorway into H's office. H looked up from the manga he was reading.

"What? Did Alucard reply to my request for a peace treaty?" H's expression lit up.

"_Nein_..." Narbe replied. H slammed his head on his desk and sobbed. "Sorry, but no. I've set you up for two medical appointments."

"Why?" H sat back up. "I feel fine?"

"_Nein_, you aren't the patient. You're the doctor, remember?" Narbe shook his head.

"Oh right, Vampire Physiology..." H smirked. "But wait, I already checked all the vampires I could- NO."

"What?" Narbe arched a brow.

"NO. Not Millenium. NO," Agent HUNK shook his head.

"But boss, they're the only people left," Narbe tried to convince him.

"NO. I'm not going anywhere near them," H continued to shake his head.

"They're going to pay you," Narbe smirked.

"Beg pardon?" H stopped shaking his head. "Okay, when's the appointment?"

"In an hour," Narbe replied.

"Excellent! Lets get this place set up..." H jumped out of his chair and started dragging his desk across the room.

---

"_Gutten tag_?" the door to H's doctor's office slowly creaked open. A raven-haired and bespectacled young woman stuck her head through the doorway. "Is there a doctor in the house?"

"_Jawohl_..." H was sitting in a chair wearing a lab coat over his normal outfit minus his mask and helmet, and he was reading a German dictionary. To his left was a desk, and to his right was an examination table. The trophy shelf on the wall was still quite barren, save for Jan Valentine's brain.

"You're the doctor?" the woman walked into the room and sat down on the examination table.

"Yep. The name's H. And you're Rip Van Winkle?" H asked.

"_Ja_, I am ze Huntress Rip Van Winkle," she answered. "You look familiar..."

"Really? I'm sure we've never met before," H flat out lied. He just didn't want to talk about the whole getting shot and waking up surrounded by Nazis fiasco.

"If you say so..." she shrugged.

"So how have you been feeling lately, Miss Van Winkle?" H grabbed his clipboard off the desk next to him.

"Quite fine," she replied.

"_Das gut_..." H replied. "Well, I'm doing a bit of a study on vampires. Would you mind taking part in it? It should be no trouble for you..."

"I suppose I'll help..." Rip shrugged.

"Excellent. Just sit back, relax, and don't go psycho and try to kill me like my last patients did..." H stood up and looked at his clipboard.

"Alright..." Rip nodded her head.

"Subject is a young Austrian female named Rip Van Winkle," H informed the readers. "Open your mouth, please."

"Okay," Rip opened her mouth. H pointed at her fangs. "Now we've already discussed vampires and their fangs, but I seem to have forgotten something. Miss Van Winkle, would you please smile?" Rip smiled, revealing her trademark Alucard-esque grin. "It seems that vampires can change the shape of all of their teeth on a whim, not just their fangs. They can transform all of their teeth at once if they wish. This is usually done when a vampire is hungry or they grin widely."

"No vorries there, I ate before I came here..." Rip shrugged.

"Thats... interesting..." H scribbled something on his clipboard nervously. "Better him than me..." he muttered under his breath. "Right, now lets look at those eyes..." H pulled a small flashlight from his coat and flicked it on. He flashed the light in Rip's eyes for a few seconds. "Hm... Subject's eyes are of a normal color and shape... As previously discussed, some vampires can change the appearance of their eyes from normal hues to the color red, as well as the shape of their pupils from round to slit. Our subject can at least change the color of her eyes."

"I've got excellent eyesight. I am a sniper, after all..." Rip smirked.

"Don't all vampires have good eyesight?" H asked.

"Mines special," she shrugged.

"Right, well..." H flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "We've covered the teeth, the eyes... What am I missing?"

"Strength?" Rip asked.

"Oh right," H pointed at Rip. "Vampires can rip through people like they were wet tissue paper. I kinda covered that with Seras though, along with the, ahem, physical attributes of female vampires..." H nervously replied.

"Hmph, not much to discuss there..." Rip rolled her eyes. "The Major has bigger breasts than me..."

H's eyes nearly fell out of his head in shock from what she'd said. Blushing slightly, he flipped through his clipboard hurridly. "Um, no comment for the sake of not digging my grave..."

"Und vat would you mean by that?" Rip's eyes narrowed.

"Oh no, I think you misunderstood that!" H held his hands up and took a few steps back. "I knew that anything I said would most likely get me killed! Oh wow, looks like I was right... But does it really matter? Beauty is only skin deep!"

Rip glared at him. "Oh really? Und vat do you mean by zat?"

"What? Oh no, I'm not saying your ugly or anything!" H took another step back and smiled nervously. "Quite contrary, you're quite cute!"

"You really think zo?" Rip smiled innocently.

"_Jawohl_!" H exclaimed with a smile.

"Thank you," Rip replied. "Vait... you're a doctor, perhaps you could-"

"Oh wow, would you look at the time!" H looked down at his non-existant wrist watch. "I've got to go. Well, I see no problems with you, health or beauty wise, and you seem to be quite healthy. I suppose I shall see you when I do your interview, which should be sometime soon. Until then,_ lebewohl_!" With that, he darted out the door before Rip could argue with him.

"Vait, get back here!" Rip jumped to her feet and chased after him.

---

"THAT was a bizarre experience. Outrunning a vampire is hard!" H staggered back into his doctor's office and sat down in his chair. The moment he started to catch his breath, the door flew open. Into the room strolled the Captain, his hand covering the side of his face.

"..." he stared at H.

"You're my next patient!?" H stared at the Captain. "Um... what's the problem?"

The Captain opened his mouth and pointed at his teeth. "..."

"You have a tooth ache?" H flipped through his clipboard. "Um... I'm sorry, but I'm not a dentist, and I work with vampires, not werewolves."

"..." the Captain glared at him and started to growl.

"But for you, I will make an exception!" H smiled meekly, hoping he wouldn't have his skull ripped out of his head or something.

"..." the Captain nodded and sat down on the table.

"Right..." H sighed. "Say ah..."

---

When Narbe poked his head into H's office later to see how he was doing after the Captain left, he was surpised by what he saw. The office was back to normal, but H was a mess. His doctor's coat was in shreds, his Kevlar vest had deep gouges in it, and his face seemed to be one big bruise. "Vat happened to you, boss?"

"I learned something today," H muttered.

"Und vat would zat be?" Narbe asked.

"Don't try to pull a werewolf's teeth..." With that, H fell out of his chair. "I'm just going to lay here... and cry from the pain... ouch..."

"Right, vell Rip und the Captain both paid their fees..." Narbe handed H two pieces of paper. "Although..."

"What are these?" H stared at the two slips of paper.

"I.O.U.s..." Narbe shook his head.

"Whyyyy?" H groaned.

"Look on ze bright side..." Narbe suggested.

"Alucard didn't show up?" H grinned.

In the distance, the sound of a door opening could be heard, followed by the mad laughter of the No Life King. "_Nein_..." Narbe shook his head.

H let out a small sob. "What is it, then?"

"Rip wrote her phone number on the back of her I.O.U.," Narbe smirked.

H flipped over the two pieces of paper. "Oh yeah, such a bright side. A psychotic vampire chick has a crush on me... Quite bright indeed!"

"At least she's cute..." Narbe shrugged.

"_Jawohl_," H flashed a sly smirk. "_Jawohl, mein fruend_!" The sound of the office door opening made H's smirk dissappear, however. "_Warum_? _Warummmm_?"

* * *

Moral of the Story: Don't become a dentist who works with werewolves.

Poor H. Always getting himself into awkward and painfull situations... Review, please!

Oh, right, German translations...

"Gutten tag" - Good day

"Nein" - No

"Jawohl" - Indeed

"Das gut" - That's good (I think)

"Lebewohl" - Farewell

"Mein fruend" - My friend

"Warum" - Why

I think that's all of them. I love my German dictionary...

Oh wow, look at that. This is the longest chapter in this story so far. Yay?

Ahem, right... well... review please:)


	17. Life's Little Lessons

Writer's block, writer's block, thou art cruel... Anyway, lets see if I can write up something funny.

* * *

In a dim-lit hospital room, two men were slumbering peacefully. Covered from head to toe in full-body casts, it was hard to tell that the two men were Agent HUNK and Narbe. It appeared that they had both run afoul with the No Life King. Somebody had patched them up, and now they were trying to recover in peace. 

Of course, peace is fleeting and doesn't last long. The door to the hospital room suddenly flew open, and the room was illuminated by the lights turning on. "How are my two patients doing?" their doctor burst into the room, smiling broadly. It was, of course, Dr. Insane-O.

"I've been better..." Agent HUNK replied weakly. Only his eyes and mouth were exposed by the plaster cast.

"I'm in pain. I want to die. Somebody please kill me..." Narbe groaned. His eyes and mouth were exposed, and his left hand was free.

"You guy's are lucky to be alive..." the doctor checked his clipboard.

"What makes you say that?" H asked. "I don't remember a thing."

"Well, Mr. Nazi here had both knees broken, both arms dislocated, three ribs cracked, and a black eye," Dr. Insane-O pointed at Narbe. "He apparently tried to pull Alucard off of you."

"Oooooh-hooo-hooo-hoooooo, morphiiiiinnnneeeee..." Narbe had found the button for the morphine IV, and he was now pressing it repeatedly with his free hand.

"What about me?" H groaned.

"You got screwed over, to put it simply," Dr. Insane-O replied bluntly. "He snapped your femurs like twigs, shattered both elbows, cracked your skull, gave you a concussion, broke 7 ribs, knocked out 3 teeth, fractured your jaw, and he shoved several wads of paper down your throat."

"So _that's_ why my whole body is screaming out in agony..." H replied sarcastically. "Wait, what paper?"

"All of the paper from your clipboard, two mangas, a German dictionary, and some IOUs," Dr. Insane-O informed him.

"All of those things were important..." H groaned sadly.

"Weeeeee..." The morphine had gone to Narbe's head. "I feel happyyyyyyyyyyyy, I feeeeel happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."

"Why won't you die?" Dr. Insane-O shook his head. "Seriously, why?"

"Because Jesus loves me?" H chuckled.

"WRONG!!!" Dr. Insane-O jumped up on top of H's bed and pointed an accusing finger at him, casuing H to whimper in pain. "ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE A FREAK OF NATURE WHO REFUSES TO ALLOW THE ICY COLD FINGERS OF DEATH TO WRAP AROUND YOUR THROAT AND DRAG YOU DOWN INTO THE BURNING PITS OF HELL!!!"

Dead silence.

"Jesus still loves me, though..." H replied casually.

"Morphine, morphine, morphine..." Narbe was hittin' that stuff hard. "Morphiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnne..."

"Right, well..." Dr. Insane-O got down and dusted himself off. "Do you need anything?"

"Yes," H replied. "I need you to call Father Anderson."

"Why? Last Rites?" Dr. Insane-O asked.

"No," H replied. "I need to learn how to fight vampires."

---

"Is thar a' Agent HUNK haer?" Father Alexander Anderson asked the doctor sitting behind the desk of the small hospital.

"Oh good, you're here!" Dr. Insane-O replied. He sat up and gestured to his right. "He's in that room. The only room. Yeah, my hospital sucks..." he grumbled.

"Thank ye," Anderson nodded.

"DUDE!!!" Dr. Insane-O suddenly exclaimed.

"Wit?" Anderson took a step back.

"BLING!!!" Dr. Insane-O pointed at the silver cross hanging from Anderson's neck.

"Wit?" Anderson stared at him.

"DUDE, YOU'VE GOT THE JESUS BLING!!!" Dr. Insane-O was clearly amazed by what he saw. "THAT'S LIKE... THE BLING THAT DIED FOR ALL THE OTHER BLING'S SINS!!! DUDE, THAT IS AWSOME!!!" (A/N: Again, something he actually said. He said all of that word for word, in fact. Only he was talking about _my_ crucifix.)

"I don't know wit ye just said..." Anderson replied softly. "But Ae didn' like it." He narrowed his eyes, and slowly started to reach into his coat.

"Uh oh..." Dr. Insane-O gulped nervously.

---

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!!!!"

"What was that?" Agent HUNK looked over at Narbe. They were now out of the casts and wearing hospital gowns, and they were just laying in their beds watching anime on tv.

"I don't know," Narbe shrugged.

"Allo thar," the door to the hospital room opened, and Anderson poked his head through the doorway. "How are ye doin' today?"

"Er... I got beat down by Count Trigger Happy, and my body is one giant bruise. Other than that, I'm quite fine!" H replied merrily. Narbe was whistling innocently, hoping Anderson wouldn't try to kill him.

"Ae see..." Anderson sat down in a chair next to H's bed. "So wit do ye need mae fer?"

"I need lessons," H shrugged. "Alucard is getting annoying, and I want you to teach me to fight."

"Fighting vampyres is not sumthin' ye kin learn wit ease..." Anderson replied.

"I know..." H nodded. "That's why I've ordered my assistant to hire me a body guard in case this doesn't work out."

"He said he'd be here tommorrow!" Narbe added.

"Ae see..." Anderson scratched his chin. "Well, I suppose I kin give ye a few lessons."

"Great!" H exclaimed. "Thanks! Oh, and what was with all the screaming?"

"Nothin' important..." Anderson shrugged. "Just givin' yer friend a lesson in respectin' the Lord."

"Hey, buddy!" The door opened again, and this time Dr. Insane-O staggered into the room. He was holding two boquets of flowers, and several bayonets were jutting from random body parts. "These just came for you!"

Dead silence.

"You do realize there are several _bayonets_ sticking out of you... right?" H stared at his pin-cushion of a friend.

"Yeah, yeah..." Dr. Insane-O replied. "I'm a doctor, don't worry..."

"Who are the flowers from?" Narbe asked.

"Oh right, they're from a bunch of people called Millenium," Dr. Insane-O replied. Clearly, he had no idea who those people were. Actually, he only knew a few things about Hellsing. Anderson, Alucard, and Seras were the only people he knew about, in fact. "You also got flowers and cards from the Hellsing Agency and Section XIII, as well as a letter of apology from Integra Hellsing."

"Sweet..." H nodded his head. "I'll look at them later, though. Right now, I need morphine. The pain is coming back. _Owwwwwww_..."

* * *

Lessons from Anderson? A bodyguard? Hm... Things could get interesting. Review, please! 


	18. Interview: The Major

Sorry. I've been side-tracked by a lot of other fics, and I haven't had much of an urge to finish this one. But I might as well do what I set out to begin... Interview every major Hellsing character!

* * *

**Interview: Der Major**

"HELLO PEOPLE!!!" Agent HUNK screamed at the camera in his office. "LONG TIME NO SEE, HUH?!" Everything was as it should have been. Agent HUNK was decked out in his usual Kevlar and gas mask, his desk was spotless, and the sofa was unoccupied. "Yeaaaah..." he looked at the empty sofa, "Narbe is in rehab for a morphine addiction, Dr. Insane-O is... somewhere... and my new bodyguard is chilling out in the hallway outside..."

"Query: Can I come inside and greet the readers?" came a robotic voice from outside.

"No, HK, I need you to stand guard in case ol' Count Triggerhappy comes around..." Agent HUNK replied.

"Response: As you wish, Master," the robotic voice sighed. "Mutterance: Stupid Meatbag..."

"I heard that..." Agent HUNK growled.

"Denial: Heard what, Master?" the voice replied in a cheery tone.

"Hmph..." Agent HUNK crossed his arms. "That's HK-47, my new bodyguard. He's a robot from the game Star Wars: Knighs of the Old Republic. He hates and wants to kill everyone and everything..."

"Correction: I don't hate _everything_, Master. I love killing Meatbags, and I enjoy watching the innocent suffer..." HK-47 pointed out.

"He's psycho..." Agent HUNK whispered. "But he's a good bodyguard... ANYWAY!!!" he suddenly exclaimed, holding his hands up in front of his face and preparing his usual "clappy-clap" trick. "LETS HAVE AN INTERVIEW, SHALL WE?!"

"Sarcastic Response: Yes, let us have an interview, Master..." HK-47 replied. "That would be _so_ entertaining..."

"I WAS BEING... uh... what's the word for talking to yourself?" Agent HUNK scratched the back of his helmet.

"Guess: Crazy?" HK-47 answered.

"Shut up..." Agent HUNK grumbled before he clapped his hands together.

_**BOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!**_

"Ugh..." Agent HUNK sat up and rubbed his sore head. Instead of somebody showing up, there had been a huge explosion, and now everything was dark. In fact, the force of the blow had knocked Agent HUNK's gas mask and helmet off. As he sat up and ran his fingers through his short blonde hair, he couldn't hlep but freak out. "WHAT THE CRAP?! I MEAN REALLY, WHAT THE CRAP!?"

"Ooooh, it vorked!" a German accented voice exclaimed happily.

"Oh no..." Agent HUNK frowned. Above him, a set of TVs suddenly flickered to life. The glow they gave off revealedtwo men standing on either side of a third man sitting in a chair. The man in the chair was shadowed, while the two men on either side of him where completely illuminated. One was wearing a bizarre doctor's smock, and the other was wearing a German cap and trench coat with the collar turned up. They were, obviously, the Dok and the Captain. And, naturally, Agent HUNK knew who was in the chair. "Gutton tag, Major..." Agent HUNK grumbled.

"You don't sound too happy to see me..." the Major sighed in a sad tone as several more TVs lit up and revealed his face.

"Well, you ARE a Nazi vampire bent on world destruction..." Agent HUNK shrugged.

"So? Aren't you one of zose folks who looks past ze faults in people and judges zem by their moral character instead?" the Major smirked.

"Yeaaahhh..." Agent HUNK nodded slowly. "But you're a Nazi vampire bent on world destruction on the inside, too!"

"Oh, vell..." the Major's smirk deepened. "I guess there's no helping zat, zen, ist zer?"

"Nein, there's not..." Agent HUNK rolled his eyes. "Oh, wait, why am I here?"

"Oh, right... um..." the Major scratched his chin, trying to think of the answer. "Who do I put zis? Um... oh, right! HIT ZE BUTTON NOW!!!"

**_Click._**

"Eh?" Agent HUNK looked up just in time to have a large steel cage smash down on top of him. "LEMME OUT OF HERE!!!" he snarled, grabbing the bars and shaking them madly.

"Sorry, no can do!" Dok smirked, holding up a remote control.

"You see, ve haf a secret veapon, und ve don't vant you trying to help zose fools in Hellsing or the Vatican ven ve try to use it..." the Major explained.

"I see... And what would that secret weapon happen to be?" Agent HUNK scratched his chin in wonder at his current situation.

"Me..." a voice crooned from behind Agent HUNK.

"Hm?" he turned to see who was behind him. "Woah... wait... Is that..." Agent HUNK stared in horror and confusion at...

none other than...

the fearsome...

dreadful...

EVIL...

creepy...

and psychotic...

abomination...

known as...

"INCOGNITO!?" he screamed out in an Alucard-esque manner.

"Yes, foolish mortal, it is I!" the genderly-challenged vampire from the Dark Continent proclaimed. "I am Incognito, and I am the Nazi's secret weapon!"

"DUDE!!!" Agent HUNK suddenly jumped in surpise. "SO THE ANIME **WAS** TIED TO THE MANGA!!!"

"Huh?" everyone arched an eyebrow.

"Nevermind..." he chuckled. "So he's your secret weapon?"

"Zats correct!" Dok grinned.

"He's an unstoppable beast, and there's no way you can help Alucard, Integra, or any of your other foolish friends!" the Major cackled.

"Uh-huh... sure..." Agent HUNK smirked. "Lets see what Mr. Panzerschreck has to say about that..."

**_Clap-clap._**

"Huh?" Agent HUNK looked down at his hands. "Where's the Panzerschreck?"

**_Clap-clap._**

"What gives?!" he growled.

**_Clap-clap. Clap-clap. CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!!_**

"GRRRRAA!!!" he snarled in frustration.

"Your powers von't work in zere..." the Major grinned.

"I made zat cage with a certain material that drains Authors' powers!" Dok bragged.

"No!" Agent HUNK looked at the cage around him in horror. "NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"

"Zat's right!" Dok laughed maniacly. "Its made from... PURE WRITER'S BLOCK!!! HAH HAH HEH HEH HAH HAH!!!"

"YOU MONSTERRRRRRR!!!" Agent HUNK screamed, collapsing to his knees in desperation. "WHY?! WHYYYYY?!"

"Now if you'll excuse us..." the Major pressed a button, and the ground beneath Agent HUNK and his cage began to descend. "Ve have a date vith destiny..."

"I hope you get rejected by her, too..." Agent HUNK grumbled as the elevator carried him down into total darkness. "I hope she rejects you BAD..."

* * *

I bet you were expecting it to be Dr. Insane-O, weren't you? Hah hah, I fooled you...

HK-47 is guarding an empty office, Narbe is in rehab, Agent HUNK is being held hostage, and Incognito is coming to kill everyone.

You just _know _that this is going to end hilariously...

Review, please!

Oh, and Agent HUNK's lessons on Anderson will be described later on. Just in case you were about to review and ask about that... yeah... bye!


End file.
